memoirs from a Jesus follower

called out.

2008-10-23T07:49:00.000-07:00

I got called out last night. I must say I don’t particularly care for getting called out, but who does. Josh and I had just left book club, and we were sitting in his apartment parking lot talking about all of the things we had just heard. Somehow our conversation went from African poverty, starvation, and violence to Bates Park. I guess it’s not too hard to see how that occurred. This year of Twister has been a hard one for me. I didn’t feel connected, I kind of felt like an outcast in my own ministry, and lost, not knowing what to do with my passion for these kids and this neighborhood that burns inside of me. All of these wounds and hard ministry times this year I realized last night, were mostly self-inflected. It all became very evident when I was talking about it, and Josh said “well, you haven’t been engaged this year, that’s what needs to change” ummm…what?? Immediately in my lovely human nature my defensive side came out, but luckily it was only quietly in my mind. That only lasted about one minute, and then I broke down crying. He was right. Where have I been this year? I have no idea. I know where I have not been. I have not been engaged in the lives of the kids and people God has placed around me. I have not been even engaged in twister and the lessons, and the games, or even simply just loving these kids that are there every Sunday.
My role in twister has always been a hard one for me to come to terms with. I am gifted very differently than Sarah and the others that have been a part of the ministry. I’m not a teacher, and that is okay, but it gets hard for me to know how to fit into a ministry that is filled with teaching. This winter I am bound and determined to do some searching, do some talking with people much smarter than me, do some listening, and figure out how I can be the most effective person I can be in the ministry field that God has called me into.
I know for a fact he has called me, so he has a plan for me.

The way I see it #293

2008-09-17T12:30:00.000-07:00

The way I see it
Isn't necessarily
The way you see it
Or the way it is
Or ought to be
What's more important
Is that were all
Looking for it
And a way to see it.

My starbucks advice for the day.

The Unmentionable

2008-08-28T11:51:00.000-07:00

There are two things that we are not supposed to talk about in normal social situations, politics and religion. I personally like to push the boundaries and talk about both of them.
The whole blog has been dedicated to showing Jesus Christ, the real side of Christianity, not just religion. In this post I’m going to push the boundaries of politics.

This election could possibly be the most important election in our history. I know that has been said so many times in the last year, but we are at a crossroads. I believe whole heartedly is “hope” and “change” BUT I do not believe in Barack Obama or pretty much anything that comes out of his eloquently spoken mouth.

What I do believe in is the Americans peoples right to live and breath, safely. Has anyone noticed that sense 9/11 we have not been attacked once on our own soil?

I believe in the right for Americans to make as much money as they want, if they work for it honestly and ethically. Why does wealth have to be distributed? People work hard for their money, why should they have to pay for others to live? I understand that it’s our job as Christians to take care of others. But that’s exactly it, its our job as CHRISTIANS, it is not the governments job to take our money and redistribute it as they feel necessary. Barack has a plan called the world Poverty Act, where he would take 845 Billion for U.S. taxpayers and redistribute the money. I was reading about redistributing wealth today, and I came across this great example of how ridiculous this sounds. What if we decided that it is just crazy that Michael Phelps won 8 gold medals, and he is being very greedy with his gold medals, so we decided to take some of them away from him, and distribute them to “less fortunate” athletes. Or if we decided the New England Patriots had won too many super bowls, and they don’t need to win all those super bowls, so we need to give the super bowl trophy to another team. Makes no sense, right?

I do not think that we should have to pay for everyone’s healthcare. Once again, see above. Nationalized healthcare doesn’t work. Ask Canada. The guy who invented the healthcare system in Canada admits that it is in crisis. He now wants private sector to take back over, and he wants people to be able to exercise their freedom of choice.
Read about it here: http://www.glennbeck.com/content/articles/article/198/11886/

I believe that every law-abiding citizen should have the right to carry a gun. It is a proven fact that in cities where the guns have been taken away, the crime rate is the highest. The criminals who steal the guns are not going to be affected by the gun ban, they will find a way to still get the guns, but the law abiding citizens who have the gun to protect themselves and their families will be in jeopardy.

I do not believe in dependency on foreign oil when we have the resources. I think that anwr is the greatest example of this. We have been brain washed in believing that the oil companies want to steal all of our money and destroy our environment. That is simply not true and nothing but political propaganda. In Anwr only 2000 acres are going to be used for the permanent infrastructure. There is virtually NO chance the environment will be harmed. I know that we have been told it will destroy the beautiful land. Take a look at the picture below, which is where they want to drill! I don’t see lush lands, and animals roaming around awaiting their death from the evil oil companies. I know that is has been said that there will be no relief for 10 years if we drill. When Bush just mentioned the word “drill” the price of oil dropped 25 dollars a barrel! Now for the profits of the oil companies. According to the tax foundation for 1977-2004 big oil made 643 Billion in profits BUT during the same span Federal and State Governments made 1.343 Trillion in tax revenues FROM big oil.

Anwr:

I’m not convinced that we are on the brink of global warming, and that is just not my opinion, that is the opinion of many scientists.

I believe the surge is working. Violence against U.S. troops is down 80 percent. Violence against Iraq civilians is down 70 percent. We have turned over more and more provinces to Iraqi control. Iraqi economy is being rebuilt. Guess what? If the surge is working, which it is, that means it is now possible to start withdrawing U.S. troops from Iraq. Isn’t that what everyone really wants?

I believe we need to get the illegal immigrants out of this country. We need to do what is right for this country. 20 million people have broken the laws of citizenship. They are breaking the law! Would the government turn and look the other way if you or I were breaking the laws? Illegal aliens represent about 4-5 percent of our workforce; our unemployment figure is just over 5 percent. What does that tell you? If we get the illegal immigrants out of here they will be replaced with citizens who need those jobs. Not to mention the violence on the border is out of control. There are many drug smugglers and criminals doing everything they can to get over the border, which includes holding our military at gunpoint just to get across. In a study done in 2005 55,322 illegal aliens were researched, and they found that they were arrested at least a total of 459,614 times. I have no problem with legal immigrates at all, but we need to keep our country safe.

Wow, this got long. Just my opinion of course.:)

the lawn chair lady

2008-07-28T19:56:00.000-07:00

So after work today I was driving down 141 making my daily trek back to grimes. Off the side of the interstate there was a lady sitting next to a department of transportation car in a lawn chair. I laughed and did a double take. How odd, a women on the side of the road looking as if she is laying out at the beach. I thought, I know who will love this. I picked up my phone to call sarah ann. Danget. She is across the world in moldova. I miss my friend. I must say that lately I have been quite proud of my friends. Sarah and rob answered gods call and made the trip across the world to serve the people of moldova, and phillip harder made the journey to africa. They are taking it to the ends of the earth and I am so proud. I don't know what the lawn chair lady was doing, im sure she had some sort of a purpose, but that will for sure be one of the things I tell sarah about when she gets home.

Bigger than my heart

2008-07-28T13:35:00.000-07:00

1 John 3:18-23 (the message)

My dear children let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves. And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God! We're able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we're doing what he said, doing what pleases him.

I have been reading 1 John, Over and Over and Over again. Sometimes I do this until it finally sinks in. I have probably read the above passage about 30 times in the last week. Those who know me know that I am incredibly critically hard on myself, or debilitating as the message so eloquently puts it. Every time I have gotten worried or scared over the last week I just keep repeating to myself. “God is bigger than our hearts” That is so amazing to me. Especially right now. Katie recently laid in the grasp of death, I was so scared for her, for her family, for our church, but “ God is bigger than our hearts” He proved to me, and to so many others, that if we just let go for a second and pray and “Stretch out our hands, we will receive what we ask for,” HEALING. “Because we are doing what he said”
I want to live in Gods reality. I want to practice real love. I want to shut down the self-criticism, even when there is something to it. Good thing that God is so much bigger than my worried heart, and I don’t have to do a single thing really. Just believe, love, stretch out my hands, and receive.
Beautiful.

Prayer... Prayer....Prayer......

2008-07-18T08:34:00.001-07:00

This morning my phone rang at 5am and it was Rob. He said that Davy's (an elder in our church)wife katie had a brain anerurysm this morning. I believe she is currently out of surgery now. I'm not sure what the outcome is. Just please pray for her, for healing, for her family. They are very much adored in our church, and by everyone who meets them.
For more updates read mere's blog http://confessionsofaslackermom.blogspot.com/

Thanks for the prayers.

Happy.

2008-06-25T07:33:00.000-07:00

I am so happy lately. I cant really explain it. I have never really ever been this happy. Currently I am on a VBS high. We are having VBS at Bates Park this week, and I think that has a lot to do with my newfound joy. I cant even begin to explain the feeling that I have when I'm at that park. Every time before I step into that grass I pray "God empty me and fill me with you, so I can spill out on these kids" I wonder if that has something to do with it? Im guessing that would be a yes. I wish that was my life. I wish that was all I could do. I wish i could just pour myself into this neighborhood constintly. My office job is much easier, much nicer, but I am much happier there. I am just so incredibly blessed, in every area of my life. I do not deserve so many good things, but God has given them to me. I have been reading Job lately. I wonder what I would be like if I got them all taken away? If all my family left me, If all my friends decided not to waste their time on my ever changing emotions, If Twister failed, If 2 Rivers crashed and burned, if Josh decided that it was just to hard and too much work to be with this irrational girl.Would I be so happy then? Would I still have this joy. Oh, I would like to think so. No matter what, there is NOTHING that can ever sepearte me from the one that makes my heart beat like this. The one that makes his love pour out of me. No matter what, HE will never leave me. I learned that at VBS this week. :)

2 RC/ Twister

2008-06-02T12:12:00.000-07:00

So this week we wrapped it up. We have been in Ezra and Nehimiah for the last four months of church, and the series is officially over. I must say, I had my doubts. How could I ever learn anything from those books that I never really even dared to skim over, but it was pretty mcuh life changing. God worked on my heart, rebuilding, as we like to refer to it at 2RC.

Yesterday Rob just talked about finishing the race. We are young, we have a long ways to go. We need to finish strong. Also Christianity is a RELATIONSHIP not a product. We are not selling God to people. Jesus is not a fix all. The words "if you accpet him your life will be perfect" couldnt be further from the truth. Its a relationship. A real one. With ups and downs, highs and lows, feeling distance, and feeling amazing love, feeling frusturated and hopeful all at one.

He encouraged us to stick with the changes that went along with the rebuilding process in our hearts. I have been working on it.

The things I'm working on....

Having confidence in Christ. My worth is in in him.

Remaining in christ. That is the only way anything I ever do will be succesful. Since Josh and I started waking up early to read. Things have began to change in me. I feel like my roots are going deeper in God,and I cant wait to see where this takes me.

Having ONE God.

Confession. asking for forgivness daily. Searching my heart, and asking God to point things out to me.

Speaking of confession, I said I wasnt going to drink a few blog enteries ago. Well I had a couple this weekend. Its okay though, it was just for a time. Plus I put my family history on ME. It is not MINE. I DO NOT have a drinking problem. My parents DO. I must find a balance. I cannot feel bad for what THEY do.

Enough about that...

Twister is awesome. I adore it. Thing are going great.

6 Months...10 things....

2008-06-02T08:23:00.000-07:00

Josh and I have officially been together for 6 months. So i have decided to make a top ten list of all the great things about him. Seemed appropriate since I hardly talk about him on this thing, and I do adore him.

First off. I have a secret, a confession of sorts. I like country music. a lot. I think the boyfriend did something to me because now when i hear dierks bentley, or carrie underwood I get so happy. Sometimes I even clap, and those who really know me, know that is only reserved for extra special songs.

Okay...here we go....

10. He sings every country song to me.
9. When he looks me in the eyes he means it.
8. He lets me lose it on him one second, then he calms me down the next.
7. My family loves him.
6. He grabs my hand every time we pray.
5. He tickles me just to hear me laugh, because he likes to hear it that much.
4. He holds me accountable when no one else will.
3. He makes me call him every time I get home at night just to make sure I made it.
2. He calls me at 6am to make sure I'm up to work out and read my bible
1. He lets me completely be myself, and he still adores me.

2 RC "confession"

2008-05-22T10:26:00.000-07:00

Rob is on a roll with his heart piercing messages and I must say, I love them.

It all started in Genesis. They ate from the tree, they ran, and they hid, because their eyes were open and they knew they were naked.

"who told you that you were naked did you eat from the tree of life" - God
"the women did it"- Adam
"the snake made me do it"-Eve

Some things never change right?

What did God do next? He clothed them. He had to kill an animal to do so, hence a blood sacrifice to cover sin (does this all sound familiar). He didn't want them to be embarrassed. He knew they were hurting and living in their shame. He didn't want to see his children like that, so he covered them. Then a beautiful thing happened. He banned them from the garden. He wanted to be connected with them again, and he knew that is what needed to happen for that to ever be a reality. If not they would have lived forever, separated from him because of their sin, without the ability to be reconnected to their God.

Confession is a scary thing. No one likes to admit they are wrong. no one likes to feel like they have let the one down who created them. BUT when we confess a beautiful thing happens, forgiveness and grace, which is the core of our faith, the very air I breath.

If we accept him we are covered by him. To live the christian life to the fullest this must be a daily reminder, and a daily internal battle. We must confess and let God forgive us to learn to live and grow. Its one of the most beautiful heartbreaking moments with my savior when I admit I sinned against him.

In closing we were challenged to search our hearts daily. Is it not pretty but in my heart I know it is better to get it out there then to let it become a part of me. This is not a popular message,but I am so thankful for the challenge.

Romans 6:11-14
In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.

2 RC Chapter 4 "One God"

2008-05-13T11:28:00.000-07:00

church was a little different this week. There was really no uplifting ending that usally accompanies a "good sermon." There was no applicable advice per say. There was no feel good message. This was a make you think, put your heart and faith out on the line message, that ended with a hard question. Rob was speaking on having one God. Back in the day, there were a lot of Gods that were worshiped. Here in this culture we dont really have that, well in the typical way we think of it. The question the message focused around was What does it mean to have one God in our culture and for our church, and what do I "worship" that should be God's time? Rob had us talk about those questions at our talbes, and then DIDNT give us the "correct" answer. He told us to go home and think about it, and figure out what it means for our lives....so I have been thinking....Questioning....talking about it with Josh, Sarah, Ami, and Rob. I still haven't quite come to a conclusion yet. It's hard in my head to define worship. Or maybe its a pride thing, and I would never want to admit that I worship anything else besides the God I adore. I decided to look up worship in the the dictionary. This is what it says.

wor·ship
reverent honor and homage paid to God or a sacred personage, or to any object
regarded as sacred.
adoring reverence or regard: excessive worship of business success.
the object of adoring reverence or regard.
to feel an adoring reverence or regard for (any person or thing).
—Synonyms 3. honor, homage, adoration, idolatry. 7. honor, venerate, revere, adore, glorify, idolize, adulate

Okay, the words revrence and regard are used a million times. I dont really know what those words mean,so might as well look those up too. PS...Interesting that a synonym of worship is idolatry.

rev·er·ence

a feeling or attitude of deep respect tinged with awe; veneration.
a gesture indicative of deep respect
-Synonyms 1. honor, esteem. 6. revere, honor, adore

re·gard

to look upon or think of with a particular feeling
to have or show respect or concern for.
to think highly of; esteem.
thought; attention; concern

i·dol·a·try

Blind or excessive devotion to something.
Excessive attachment or veneration for anything; respect or love which borders on
adoration

I still dont quite get it. But I think that is okay. I dont know what else i worship in my life. What else do I have a devotion too?? What is in my thoughts a lot?? Ill be thinking about that this week...as of now....No answer has stuck out yet. But I asked God, I'm sure he will show me soon.

2RC/Bricks/TWISTER!! Chapter 3

2008-05-09T07:05:00.001-07:00

Okay, So I'm a little late on this one...Sorry (Rob).
First thing is first. We had a leadership meeting on Sunday. It was really good. The thing that stuck out most me was when Tom said that we have to learn how to love people without embracing their core values. I'm not exactly sure how to do that. I guess just love people, right?? shouldn't be so hard. I love a lot of people and i obviously don't agree with every single thing they say or do. Anyways, I loved Robs message this Sunday. It was so encouraging and eye opening. I might not ever forget this moment for the rest of my life. He was going over John 15:5 about how if you remain in Christ you will produce fruit, but apart from him you can do nothing. Then he says "Tanya and Sarah,apart from Christ you can do nothing, Twister will fail if you are not remaining in him" Wow. Talk about a message speaking directly to me. I felt a pull in my heart that I haven't felt for a while. I begged Jesus to teach me how to do this. I refuse to live my life, not remaining in him every step and every breath.
Twister started on Sunday. It went well for the most part. I LOVE twister. There is something about it that makes me come alive and makes my heart beat faster. We didn't really get so much accomplished, and our numbers were pretty low for a party, but I still know this is what I'm called to do.
Bricks on the other hand is an interesting story. I have decided to take somewhat of a Hiatus from it. The Y wasn't working. We are going to do a one on one mentoring thing.Sarah, Rob and Ami are going to take on a couple kids and just pour into them and love them. I decided to take myself out of the mix at least for a while. I'm going to focus my energy and thought towards twister and let the people around me much more capable of leading bricks take charge. I hope and pray with all of my heart it works out.

Oh, and an update on the waking up early thing. 2 weeks down. I'm so happy its working.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5

Day one.

2008-04-28T11:13:00.000-07:00

My boyfriend Josh and I are starting something new. We are both getting up about an hour early to read our bibles and work out in the morning. He calls me to make sure I'm up. He has to get up at 5, so there is no way he gets the wake up call from me. I kind of wanted to throw my phone at 545 this morning, but I know this is going to be a great thing. If one of us doesnt get up once in a week we have to pay the other one 25 dollars, talk about motivation, especially since finances arent exactly either of our high points. If we go a month with no mishaps we get a super special date night. This could be fun. Game on.

2RC\ Bricks Chapter 2

2008-04-28T07:47:00.000-07:00

Tom Cleggs message this week was packed full of great information,and he made me gag in the best possible way, so it doesn't get much better than that. He was talking about sin, and pig crap. Such a lovely combination. He was comparing the two. How just the though of eating pig crap for any amount of money, makes us want to gag. BUT the thought of sinning doesn't do that to us. Interesting.

As I was reading through my last 2RC\Bricks blog. I kind of have to laugh. At the end of the Bricks blog it says "good thing this was a good week because who knows whats going to happen next week." Well isn't that the truth. Yesterday appeared to be going well. The kids were mouthy and not listening as usual, but they were restrained. The lesson went as good as can be expected these days. Sarah kicked out a few kids in the beginning. One for his attitude, and three girls because of the age limit of Bricks. Apparently they were upset. When we went outside Sarah's car was scratched unlike anything I have ever seen before. It wasn't just a normal keying where there is one scratch down the side. It was scribbled on everywhere. Sarah handled it way better than I would have. I almost started crying, and it wasn't my car. I just couldn't believe that one of the kids would do this to one of us. We are pretty sure that it wasn't random because that would make no sense. We all have fairly new nice cars so it would be weird for them to target just hers. Plus one of the other girls were talking about how mad those four kids were at Sarah for kicking them out. Next comes the fear. I am scared to death of that park now. Its not like we got shot at, or any of us were physically harmed, but If the kids can destroy something that is ours, it is hard telling what else they will do. Now when we hand out fliers or have Bricks we have to have someone stand outside and watch our cars. We cant even find enough people to help us hand out fliers, let alone one to stand there and keep an eye on our stuff. I'm sure the frustration is sensed. I don't know how this is going to work out, but I'm confident that it will, whatever that means.

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear"

Changes.

2008-04-21T06:59:00.000-07:00

So, I have decided to make a rather unpopular decision. I am going to quit drinking, all together, at least for this time in my life. Now, this isn't because I go out and get drunk every weekend, or because I sneak vodka shots in my bedroom. It's because I refuse to be mastered by anything in any way. I am a light weight. As soon as I am done with that first drink, I begin to feel altered. I cannot have that anymore. I want to make it clear I am not judging anyone who chooses to drink.I have several friends who can have a beer and be fine. I'm not doing this because I think I'm better than anyone else. Quite the opposite actually. I just don't want anything to alter MY relationship with my Jesus. I feel as if this easily could. There is also the dreaded thing called family history. My family is filled with alcoholics and addicts. I don't want the door to be opened in my life to allow anything of the sorts to happen to me. I needed to make this decision clear to everyone to make it easier on myself.I'm clearing my mind, and making some changes.

"Everything is permissible for me—but not everything is beneficial.Everything is permissible for me—but I will not be mastered by anything."

2 RC\ Bricks Chapter 1

2008-04-20T21:22:00.000-07:00

So I decided I'm going to start something new on my blog site. I want to do an update of what went on at church that morning and what went on at Bricks that week too. More for my own benefit to note it all down, so I dont forget a second of it.
Now that is out of the way, I shall begin.
Church this morning was really good. Rob talked about having confidence in Christ. This is something I struggle with SO much. I try to make myself good all by myself, I try to fix everything on my own. I try to make changes from the outside in, and we all know how well that works out. Nothing sticks. We are worth so much to the savior of the world. He died for us. He wants to not only be our father, but be our daddy. He wants us to come to him, and to truly and fully accept and understand our worth in him. The thing I loved the most that Rob touched on was Romans 5:8 which says while we were still sinners Christ died for us. He never asked us to be good enough first. There is nothing I can do to make God love me any more or any less. He just does. He IS love. This is beyond my understanding. My mind doesnt have the capability to fully grasp it, but this is a truth I will never stop thanking my Jesus for.

Okay..next up... Bricks. It went amazingly well today. I cannot even describe the encouragement this gave to my heart. It reminded me why we do this. It reminded me that things can go well. There werent nearly as many kids there this week, and I'm sure that had something or everything to do with it. We actually even got through a bible study today. The kids got to hear about Jesus! I almost forgot that can happen. I almost forgot that there can be a sucessful week. Thank God for the good week, because who knows what the next one will bring.

Idol. Season 7.

2008-04-09T07:46:00.000-07:00

My favorites. David Cook and Brooke White.

The Grubb

2008-04-07T12:05:00.000-07:00

Last night was our first Bricks at the Grubb YMCA. The night started out a little shaky. Sarah and I first had to tell three kids they couldn't come to Bricks anymore since they were under the age limit. We had let it slide for the winter, but starting this new chapter we felt it was best to really buckle down. They were somewhat upset. One more than the others. We got told a million times how "not fair" it was, amongst other insults such as twister sucking. I found myself sounding like a mom and telling the kids they need to be thankful for what they do have, they words came out of my mouth before I could even catch them, but seriously, I couldn't stand to hear them tear something down that is so precious to me. After that lovely trip to Burger King, we headed towards the Y. When we got there the person working at the front desk told us that the Y closed at 5. Which is odd since the person in charge told us we could have it until 6 or 7 every week. Surprise, we will have to be out by 5 every week. Well there goes our 4-6 Plan. So now its a little after 4 we need to get all the kids picked up, fed, and out of there by 5. Things could get interesting. We all rushed around and picked up the kids, we ate for about 40 minutes, handed out journals, and then cleaned up as quickly as possible. There is always next week for the Jesus talk. As rushed, and frustrating as Bricks could have been last night, I think this will be a night we will all remember. Its the beginning of something great. I can feel it. I think the Grubb Y is a nice home for us.

Year four, here we come.

2008-04-04T08:18:00.001-07:00

Year Three.

Year Two.

Year One.

Year four, here we come. I cannot believe the summer is almost upon us. The days of endless planning, and of full weekends spent at the park are here. I am so excited. We start Bricks on Sunday night. We finally got a place to meet. We will call the Grubb YMCA home. There will be no more yelling over the hustle and bustle at McDonalds, or standing in line for a half hour to place our order. Twister starts the first Sunday in May. I am so ready for that to start it makes me clap with excitement (yes, sometimes I do that). As I look at the pictures that document our first three years of ministry it makes me smile. It has flown by, it has been the hardest thing I have ever undertaken, It has taken more time energy and thought than I could have ever imagined, but every moment is worth it. I wonder how this year will go? I wonder if we finally have it down? I could hardly type those words without laughing. Of course we don't have it down. There will be struggles and failures marked with great accomplishments. All that matters to me is that these kids know Jesus loves them. At the end of the day if they know that, I have accomplished my purpose. So bring it on whatever that may be, Year Four.

Favorite.

2008-04-02T09:24:00.000-07:00

I think I found my favorite singer. People have asked me that several times, and I never quite know what to say. Now I know. I heart Tristan Prettyman.
Her new cd comes out in two weeks, April 15th. Write it on your calender, and go to the store the second it opens. Listen to her music here...

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=3899292

The class

2008-03-31T08:08:00.000-07:00

Last night there were 9 of us sitting around Rob and Ami's front room for a "class." I'm pretty sure no one knew what they were there for when we originally entered those doors.It's called "the principles." It teaches you how your mind works,and basically how to live so much more simply. As I was sitting in this small group setting I started to realize this was an interactive class. I do not really care for those all that much. I would rather just sit back and let everyone else do all the talking and get all the advice and healing. As I sat there I felt panic knowing that I quite possibly would have to say something. The guy leading the class looked at me, and said "so what do you think." Umm, Panic. What do I think?? I have no idea what I think?? Like about life?? about the last five minutes?? about what I'm going to do tomorrow?? This is what comes out of my mouth. "I don't talk" Yes. compose yourself, or keep laughing at me if you must, because I know I am still laughing about it...then the conversation went as follows...

"what do you mean you don't talk?"

"I just am not good at talking"

"It seems like you are talking just fine"

"well yes, I can speak, but I don't like to do it"

"why not?"

once again...loaded question.... " I don't know"

"yes you do..do you think you will say something stupid? do you think no one cares?"

"Yes that must be it."

"well I'm just throwing out ideas here, why don't you like to talk. What do you think when you are asked to talk"

"Panic"

"and its all in your mind. see how much we all make things up"

Ah-ha. There is was. It is not like every single time I talk something stupid comes out of my mouth. It is not like people are always not interested in what I am saying. Of course we all have our moments, but most of this is in my mind. I get panicked over something that never happened.

Another interesting thing he talked about was our past. It is BEHIND us. Hence the word past, and we are the ONLY people with the ability to bring it to the present. No one else can make us feel our past if we don't want to. Yet, time after time I am always bringing my past to the present, and not only bringing to the presence, but letting it drag me and weigh be down miserably.

So bottom line. I make stuff up, and haunt myself with my own past.

Break

2008-03-24T21:06:00.000-07:00

I know everyone has been there. When the weight is so strong, when the hurt is so real you can actually feel it in your cheast reminding you of the beautiful hand crafted heart that beats inside of you. I am so sick of listening to the fighting. I am so sick of being a part of the fighting. I am so sick of justifying myself. I am sick of being told how awful of a friend I am. Under no circumstances should I be told to make a list of why I'm a good friend.At least I have some easter candy to keep me company as I vent, rant, and rave in my mind. I have learned that is the best way to do it, so you dont have to clean up the mess of your words the next day, because this my fellow bloggers, could get messy. So I'm off to a sleepless night I'm sure, and thoughts of what could have been different.

The Gun Slinger

2008-03-06T16:00:00.001-08:00

There is just something about Green Bay Packer football in the snow, especially when Brett Favre is gun slinging the football down the field, even when it ends in an interception. I love football. I'm a cheese head for life. There is so much that will be missing from Sunday afternoons now. The child like grin, the anticipation of the come back, the dissapointment in the interception, the constant suprises, the spontaneous passes, and even in diversity and challenges the hope that comes through how he plays the game. Brett Favre is going to be greatly missed in the game I adore.

Currently listening to, reading, and watching....

2008-03-01T06:54:00.000-08:00

Citizen Cope. He is great. Sideways is the best song. Listen to it here
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=10947061

Kate Voegele. I love all of her songs.

Messy Spirituality. A great book about normal messy people, which we all fall into that catergory in one way or another.

Lost. Still the most creative, well written, show on television. If you have never seen it you need to rent the seasons, because you are missing out.

One Tree Hill. They skipped the college years, and that was the best move they ever made. The show is great now.

American Idol, of course. There is no one as good as Blake this season, but I would never miss Simons lovely English attitude.

Sick....Sick....Sick....

2008-02-29T11:17:00.000-08:00

I have been sick in bed for entierly too long. I have been coughing my lungs up for the last week, and ALL I have been doing is watching The O.C. Oh I miss this show. It's a classic. Yes, I do realize it is slighly pathetic that is all I have been doing with my life for the last few days, but hey, Christmakah and Seth Cohen were calling my name.

Condense me to please you?

2008-02-22T06:26:00.001-08:00

I refuse to be condensed to the worlds standards. I refuse to live a life of compromise and of self doubt. I refuse to be scared of the future, and to be defined by my past. I refuse to be put in a box, my Jesus can't be held down, and he dwells in me. I refuse to not be happy. I refuse to live a life where I don't fight for the kids i adore. I refuse to live a life without music, and without joy, and laughter. I refuse to be defined by my job. I refuse not to be bold.

"Indeed Herod and Pontius Pilate met together with the Gentiles and the people of Israel in this city to conspire against your holy servant Jesus, whom you anointed. They did what your power and will had decided beforehand should happen. Now, Lord, consider their threats and enable your servants to speak your word with great boldness. Stretch out your hand to heal and perform miraculous signs and wonders through the name of your holy servant Jesus."

Acts 4:27-30

What's new with me you ask?

2008-02-20T11:40:00.000-08:00

I have a new blog layout, with cool new things that tell you interesting facts about me, such as where i shop, and what music I like. So tantalzing, I know. My friend Dawn taught me how to add to this thing, funny since she has had a blog site for all of a week. Yes, I am technologically challenged. So there are some new things in this life of mine. First off Bricks, our youth group ministry, is interesting these days. Three weeks ago, we threw out umm pretty much every single kid during church. I couldnt have been more embarassed or felt like I was being more distracting to the neat and orderly church service, although I think the interruptions is something my church family must be getting use to. Almost everyone I talked to said they didnt even notice. The majority of the kids that come to bricks come from one family. We creatively have named this clan "the family." They have not been back to church since the incident. This week they come back. We need a lot of prayer. We also would love to have a building for Bricks. Rob and Ami have been looking at buildings. It would solve a lot of our problems if these kids and us had a place to call our own. I am very excited about the direction this could be going. I start my new job in 10 days. Let the countdown begin. I cannot wait. Every time my work phone rings I want to throw it. I cant wait to get back to the world of silence and numbers on the other side of the building. Oh, another thing, our apartment has ghosts or something. Sarah sees twin girls and creepy women in black in her bedroom. I dont like this. I now sleep with my bathroom light and my tv on. That should ward off all spirits I am sure of it. One last thing, there is a new boy. He is pretty much great. That is all I will say about that, because I dont really like talking about these kind of things. Anyway...Now that I have a cooler blog page, I will be here more often. I promise.

How is this for irony?

2008-02-05T15:53:00.000-08:00

The journey started in November. I quit my job to be a teachers associate. I couldnt make ends meet so on top of that I started working in collections at my tractor company. I hated working so much, so I took a full time job in collections. Guess what? Now im going back to my old cozy 8-430 job that I had before. Indecisive? I think so.

Deepest Fear

2008-02-02T06:23:00.001-08:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Or deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgous, talented, and fabulous? Actually who are you not to be. You are a child of God. Your playing small doesnt serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you"
- Nelson Mandela

This quote has been heard so many times, by so many people, but i really think he wrote it for me. My greatest struggle in life is fear, in so many aspects of the word. Im scared of ghost stories, Im scared when Lost gets a little too freighting, I'm scared to walk to my car at night. Most of all I'm scared to suceed, Im scared to do something great. I know I am called to something big. I know it. God conditioned me that way. He gave me talents and gifts, and most of all he gave me an unending passion that cant be controlled, or even dilluted in the slightest. I don't know how to change my insecure, unwarranted fear. This will have to be a God thing.

"Perfect love drives out fear"

There is nothing I should ever be afraid to do. I am the kings daughter. He loves me perfectly and completely. He loves me when im messy, when im upset, when I fall flat on my face,when i turn my back on him, and when i am looking right at him yelling. He still loves me.

Oh, I have missed blogging. I will hopefully be back soon.

I miss....

2007-12-29T21:16:00.000-08:00

1. the summer.
2. feeling confident for a moment that i knew what i was doing.
3. not selling myself short.
4. when i had control of my emotions.
5. you.
6. old school nights.
7. thinking before i spoke.
8. when i use to trust you.
9. high school when things were simple in the most complicated kind of way.
10. 2 steps forward and no steps back.
11. my apartment.
12. sleeping with no interuptions.
13. a clear mind.
14. being confident in truth.
15. freedom.
16. carmel machiottos.
17. the fall days when a hooded sweatshirt was enough.
18. the Randazzos N. Jacob house.
19. the days when i didn't doubt i was a good friend.
20. my family.

He is good. Always.

2007-12-09T06:20:00.000-08:00

I have some things on my mind. Some things that are changing, and not just on the outside, amazingly on the inside as well.

First, I'm going back to the tractors(sorry Meredith!). I do love the kids, but it's not worth it to me to miss out on my own life. Through this whole process of deciding it hit me how much God truly loves me. I begged him, yes literally begged, for this new job. He gave it to me. I asked him for a part time job. He gave it to me. Then when I decided I didnt want it anymore, after only a month I might add, He provided me a way out. I'm not saying that Jesus gives us whatever we ask for, but in this situation he knew that is what I needed, and he is the only one who knew it. From the outside the associate job seemed perfect, but he knew better. I don't know why this a suprise to me. The creator of my heart knows what is best for me. Not only the creator of my heart, but the creator of my whole world. Who am I to ever doubt that?

Second, one of my best friends Ami that I love so much and who has taken me into her family had a little bit of a health scare this weekend. For a lack of better words it scared the hell out of me. It is never a good thing when the phone rings at 5AM, and this was no different, but she is okay now. She is home safe with her family, and I can do nothing but thank Jesus for that. I did a lot of thinking this weekend. I know that life is short, I know that you never know what could happen, but seroiusly, that is the truth. Sometimes when I'm with my grandma I think this could be the last time I see her. It could be the last time she nags me in her loving grandma way about driving on ice, or my lack of food in my apartment, or the last time she hugs me when I'm leaving her house. It makes me so thankful for her. I want to do that with everyone. Not in a morbid weird way of course, but sometimes to just think about how much I love them, and how lucky I am to have them, because as cliche as it sounds, life is short.

One last thing. I think Jesus is working in my heart. It's been a while since I've really felt like this. I feel him telling me that I need to find my happiness in him, and not in ideas of what I think my life should be like. I have said so many times I'll just be happy if....but guess what? It doesn't work. Even if I find that If, I still feel the same. It's changing on the inside, and I'm excited.

dear friends...to no one inperticular....

2007-11-24T18:42:00.000-08:00

Dear Friend,
I thought I knew you.
I had charted your lines on a graph.
I knew the things that made you laugh.
I knew the fears that made you cry.
I knew by your eyes what was brewing in your mind.
I guess I overlooked the thing that mattered the most.

Dear Friend,
I shared so much of my life with you.
At one point we had the same hopes and dreams.
I whispered things to you that no one else knew about me.
I never thought you would be the one to judge me.

Dear friend,
I sat in silence as you left.
Biting my tongue so much that blood poured.
I never wanted to be the one to hold you back.
So I hid my tear soaked pillows,
as I sat back and watched you soar.

Dear friend,
Close as sibilings we claimed we were.
You pushed me and I pushed back,
until the playful badgering
turned to hateful swords.
Now I sense the bitterness in your eyes.
I don't think I will ever really know what went wrong.

Dear friends,
Mistakes are made,
and lines are crossed.
Words are spoken out of ignorance and fear.
Things are changing,
and worlds are tossed.
Loyalty and irrationality turned out to be my downfall.
I will never stop thanking God
for each season brought to me.
Even as summer turns to fall.

Dear friends,
The love still remains,
But logically I am being told things must change.
It is a fact of this journey I must accept and move on.
Trusting as I keep walking,
my creater will pick up the pieces, and move me along.

currently listening too....

2007-11-24T16:31:00.000-08:00

This is my confession. I own the new Britney cd, and I don't hate it.

frusturated.

2007-11-20T01:05:00.000-08:00

Well lets see. It is 3:07 AM, and I can't sleep. I worked 13 hours today. I guess that is going to now be the Norm. When I took this job at Karen Acres Elementry, I didn't realize how much of my life it would affect. I now have to work 13 hours a day Monday through Thursday. Right after I get done having kids throw stuff at me all day, while screaming, I get to go to Agricredit and harass farmers in the collections department. Seems as if a mental break down is right around the corner. Now tell me was I crazy taking this job? I don't know. Do I regret it? That I dont know either. I had to quit small group. I can't have my weekly family night anymore. I can't sit at home and hang out with sarah and watch our shows, or old school party of five DVDs. I don't get to have my accountability group that keeps me sane on monday nights. I feel like I didn't speak with anyone I love for more than 10 minutes today. Is it really worth it? This another thing I don't know. I like my job, but I love my family. I love my friends. I love my small group. I love the people that surround me. I don't want to lose them. I don't want to slip away from them because I can't stop working just to make enough money to breath. Oh, frusturation.

10 things in no particular order

2007-11-14T16:49:00.000-08:00

1) It makes me sad than an eight year old doesn't think he has anything to live for.
2) I wish you weren't the first thing I think about when I wake up.
3) I can't get away from the tractors, but this time I'm thankful.
4) I hate the sprint store. I think I'm going to scream next time I step foot in there.
5) This writers strike is stressing me out. What am I going to do without Lost? What if it never comes back? What if they are always on the damn island!?
6) Music has the ability to sway my emotions.
7) I feel bad for Britney Spears.
8) I am sick of people asking me if I'm married. It's depressing.
9) I am broke.
10)I hate winter.

I have a sharp object, and I know how to use it.

2007-11-07T19:37:00.000-08:00

I started my new job this week. I really love it. I have never loved a job so this is all new for me. I am just almost waiting for something to go wrong. It's funny though because when people ask me what I did for the day it sounds miserable. I say things such as:

"well one little girl told me I have a sharp object and I know how to use it"
"one little boy said I do not like you, I do not like you very much"
"Oh, and I have a mentioned I get stuff thrown at me, daily, and by daily I mean hourly."
"It's not unusual to get screamed at, and told how much the kid hates me"

Perhaps I have officially lost my mind. Normal people would not enjoy those kind of things. Sane people would not want to put themselves under that kind of scrutiny for 8 hours a day, oh and take a pay cut and leave behind their cozy office job in the process. So I guess I'm not normal, or sane, and I guess I am completely okay with it.

I got a letter today stating I would be getting one dollar less an hour than I had anticipated. I also have not heard back for days from my so-called part time job I so desperately need. These types of things would normally push me over the edge and cause me to cry for days, but lately things don't seem to worry me. I actually feel like I can be myself at work. I don't have to pretend to care about tractors. I don't have to act like I know how to figure out all these processing problems. I can just love kids. As lame as it sounds, I am doing what I was called to do, something God crafted me for. Well, at least for the moment. Maybe in a few years I will be back in cozy corporate, but for now, I'm just going to thank God for the blessing he has given me.

Goodbye Tractors.

2007-10-29T08:25:00.000-07:00

This is my last week of the tractors. I will no longer have to think about the MTX120 McCormick compact tractor. It makes me laugh that I know enough about tractors to even construct that previous statement. I have been nothing but nervous, upset, and worried these last couple weeks leading up to the end of my time here. Now I have a peace. Although nothing is really in order yet. I don't have a part time job yet, I need my social security card that I cant find, My family thinks I have officially lost my mind, I am not going to make enough money at my full time job to even really live, I need to get a physical in the next week, and I need to say goodbye to so many co-workers who I adore. Things will come together. I am confident of that now. I have no idea why, but I'm guessing its this little thing I hold so dear too, faith.

Twister. Year Three.

2007-10-27T19:20:00.000-07:00

Today was the last Twister of the season. I cannot believe that it is the end. This year flew by. I really cant believe that this is the third year we have been doing it. This could have been the hardest year since we started. Maybe I just dont remember how hard the first year was? Showing up week after week with no kids. Sitting at the park eating cookies with sarah and amber, but being completely convinced this is what God wanted us to do. People had to think we were crazy. I'm sure we were laughed at. I'm sure people thought that we had lost our minds. Three young girls going into the ghetto to try to make a difference. What could we possibly do? Well nothing honestly, but through God who knows what could happen. I believe with all my heart, we still have yet to see the amazing things he is going to do in that park. We had so many hard weeks this year. I felt like all we did was yell at the kids most of the time. I felt like we werent making a difference at all.Then when the kid who doesnt listen to us and swears at us, runs up and gives us a hug, it makes it all worth it. That may sound like a cliche, but its so true. I remember many nights sitting at home with sarah asking ourselves if we were crazy. Why dont we get sick of it? Why do we keep going back? Why don't we get so tired we just want to quit? One simple word. Jesus. I am so thankful he has created this passion in us. It is not what i expected it to look like. The leadership has changed, our dreams have shifted throughout the years, but I wouldn't trade what we have now for anything.Who knows what next year is going to bring. When I think about where we were at a year ago its completely different than what it is now, Almost a distant memory, another life time ago. I wouldn't dare to even try to predict what next year will bring. I do know one thing though, I cant wait to see what God is going to do. This is only the beginning.

Moldolva? Part 2

2007-10-24T21:07:00.000-07:00

So,I learned tonight I will probably not be able to go on the missions trip. I am in one of my best friend from high schools wedding on July 4th. Rob, Ami, and crew are more than likely leaving for Moldolva on the 3rd, 4th, or the 5th. I can't decide if I am extremely relieved or dissapointed. I'm guessing it is a little of both. I did actually pray that if I couldn't handle the missions trip or for some reason shouldn't go that it would be scheduled during the wedding. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about the fact that it actually did happen that way. I am not exactly sure how i feel about anything these days.

No turning back this time.

2007-10-22T12:37:00.000-07:00

" Wait, I might hesitate am I a minute to late. Please Lord I need to know this pressures got me letting go. If I'm wrong will I still carry on and end up where I belong. I've never felt this way before. I've never come so close. I've never warn so thin. Im stepping out instead of closing in. I left myself behind when I made up my mind. No turning back this time. This is my new design"

The above lyrics describe exactly every thought that has been in my mind over the last week. I had a big decesion to make. I am not good at decesions. I went back and fourth begging God to show me what he wanted for my life. Then I would question what if I made the wrong choice? Would I screw up my entire life? Of course not, but I wouldnt believe that to save my life last week. I really don't think I had one rational thought in my mind. I knew what God was telling me to do. I knew the whole time, but i kept talking myself out of it. The thoughts "It doesnt really matter what I chose" were constintley in my mind. I had talked myself into thinking that neither one was sin, so neither choice would be wrong. That's not true. I knew God was telling me to quit my job. I did that today. Am I scared? Hell yeah. Am I going to have to work harder than I ever had to work in my life? probably. Do I know what I have gotten myself into? Im guessing no. It doesn't really matter to me though. He is not leaving me. I had to apologize to God last night. I made this decesion way to much about me. He had BLESSED me with this opportunity, and I took it on like a curse.I asked him for it, and then I got mad at him for giving it to me. Sinful nature here I come again. This could get interesting, but I am excited. There is a certain freedom that comes with trusting. It doesnt make it any less scary, but it feels right. I guess it better feel right, since there is no turning back now. The two week notice has officially been given. I will say goodbye to the tractors soon, and hello to a whole new world of bad ass little kids.

So this is life.....

2007-10-17T11:00:00.000-07:00

So I got offered a job yesterday. Yay, right? Or not? Its a teachers associate job for Karen Acres, an elementry shcool in Urbandale. I have been complaining about my job for years now. So its a no brainer to take this job right? NOPE. I dont think I have ever struggled with a decesion so much in my life. I cant decide what shoes i want to wear on a daily basis how can i make a choice to change my career. There is no doubt in my mind I would love the job. Nothing makes me happier than bad ass little kids, and the little girl I would be in charge of sounds like she is one of the worst. During the interview I was so excited, I thought I would be good at the job, and I thought I would love it, but one thing I never expected was that I would actually get offered the job. Then my phone rang yesterday " we would like you to join Karen Acres as a 7 hour teacher associate."
So, what is the problem you ask? MONEY!! It is a 10,000 dollar a year pay cut. I struggle financially now, so how would i ever do that? Does God want me to do it? Where would I work during the summer? Where is the line between being responsible and having faith that he will meet ALL my needs? I have no freaking idea.
Im trying to listen, hardcore, but Im getting nothing. Well I have to decide by tonight. Tomorrow this will be all over, and I have not the slightest clue what that even means.

If I could start over.....

2007-10-10T06:27:00.000-07:00

This week I have been reflecting. I have come to the conclusion this is a good and bad thing. Regret is a scary thing. Looking back sometimes makes me regret, but it also gives me hope that new things are coming. This week has been hard.I think some of it has to do with my past smacking me in the face in this last month. It was something I never would have expected, and something I definetely wasnt prepared to fight.I think the rest of it is because its my birthday on Friday. I'm never really a fan of my birthday for some reason. I feel like another year has come and gone and I have accomplished nothing. Another year has come and gone, and I have let down the one who created me.I know these are lies, but for some reason, I don't know how to accept that it is not true. My mind is conditioned to see the bad in me, and in others. I guess I can chalk it up to that awful sin nature. As I look back on my life I feel like there are so many things I would do different, but really would I if I was given the chance? I don't know why I think about it. I cant go back. I cant teleport like Hiro Nakumora and manipulate the past to get the future I have always wanted. One of my favorite songs has this lyric in it "Life's like an hour glass glued to the table, no one can find the rewind button now, so cradle your head your hands, and breath. just breath." How true is that? Oh, how I just need to breath. I can't start over. I can try to live the life I am called to live today, and that is all I can really do.

moldova?

2007-10-07T18:29:00.000-07:00

My church is taking a missions trip to Moldova. Part of me desperately wants to go, and part of me wants to cry when i think about it.It's a strange feeling. I have never once had the desire to go out of the country. I have never once wanted to leave the comforts of america and proclaim the truth of Christ. I run into many kids and teens every week right here 20 minutes away from my home that I get to show Gods love to, but there is this tugging inside of me telling me to take the chance. then almost immediately comes the overwhelming fear that stifles it. I heard about the trip a couple weeks ago. I immediately thought I couldn't afford it so there is really no need to even consider it. Then when I heard it was working with people 18-25, I thought, "well I shouldn't go anyway, working with kids is definitely more my forte, I wouldn't have the slightest clue how to deal with people my own age." I think God was probably laughing at me. This morning at church Rob gets up and says "Know that money isn't going to be an issue, If you are suppose to go on this trip God will provide. Oh, and don't believe the lies that you wouldn't be able to do this. God can use you." Um hello, God yes I did hear that loud and clear whether I wanted to or not. Its quite ironic how I still feel the need to limit God. He is GOD. He can use me however he wants to use me. It has nothing to do with me honestly. I just have to be willing. He has proved that to me time and time again. Now, I just have to listen.

The Clarks

2007-10-03T21:16:00.000-07:00

So tonight was my roommate Sarah's birthday. I went to dinner with her and her family. I wish everyone knew them. I'm pretty sure i never stopped laughing tonight. So i felt the need to share some of the classic lines. Here is a little background, there is Gary, who is Sarah's dad, Julie Sarah's mom, and Ryan Sarah's senior in high school brother.

1- Gary: " Sometimes when I am walking I see people I don't know"- this spoken as if it was the most profound statement in the world.

2- Julie: " you guys want to hear something disgusting. Well disgusting, but good for us"
Ryan: "How can something be disgusting and good for us?

3- Sarah: " would you rather have the first African American president elected, or the first women president?"
Ryan- " African American, but I don't know why. Maybe because if we have a women president all the other countries will make fun of us"

4. Ryan: "So is James Bond in the CIA?"
Sarah: "no I dont think so
Ryan: "but he takes orders and kills people"
Sarah: "well then he must be, but not every hero is in the CIA"
Ryan: " Well its not like i thought spiderman was in the CIA"
Sarah: "Yeah thats true, but what about inspector gadget?"

I'm sure that Sarah is probably the only one laughing who is reading this, but I find all these lines quite hilarious. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

boredom+blogspot= many random thoughts

2007-10-03T12:20:00.000-07:00

I am bored bored bored bored bored at work today. You are probably laughing and thinking whats new right?? Yes you are right, absolutely nothing is new. When I'm bored my mind starts to wonder. Its funny the things your mind thinks about when you don't filter it. I have had many random thoughts today. I have been thinking a lot about the sex and the city movie. I honestly don't really care about it all that much, but Sarah Jessica Parker does have the cutest shoes, and I need to know is she with Mr. Big? Is she not with Mr. Big? I did get something of value accomplished today. I planned out some Bricks lessons for the next few weeks. Not like we can really use them in McDonalds, but hey, I enjoyed it. Oh, and then there is Ms. Britney Spears seriously someone needs to watch that girl. She needs help. If you saw the VMA performance you all know what I'm talking about. Twister is ending in 4 weeks. I am going to miss some of those kids to death, especially Ms. Asia, but i am in desperate need of a break. This year has made me very tired. I think we should have been given the title referee this summer. Don't judge me, but i just want to sleep until noon on a Saturday!!!! My birthday is fast approaching. 24 seems old. I swear I can feel the wrinkles on my face becoming more defined. My hair is a mess today, and I like it that way. I wonder if I really hate my job or if I hate being bored? I think the later is probably more of the truth. I have thought a lot today about how Jesus was a carpenter. He probably got up and went to work every day like I have to. That makes me feel a little better, I guess.

the worse?

2007-09-27T18:42:00.000-07:00

We all think we are the worse. I know in my own mind as I'm reading over the words of Paul where he declares he is the worst sinner I laugh. "okay maybe Paul was the worse before me." I dare to guarantee this has crossed the mind of thousands upon thousands of Christians. We are all so hard on ourselves. I see it all around me. Will there ever be a point where we let ourselves breath? Its a tough balance. I don't mean we allow ourselves to blatantly sin, in obvious rejection of the truth but is it really necessary we tear ourselves apart when we do. I have been there in some of the lowest points of my life. It does nothing but make it worse when we dwell on how disappointed we have made our savior. We are suppose to feel it. Its called conviction. But when we do, we need to turn and run not think about it, internalize it, and make it a part of us. When we do make it a part of us we begin to destroy the plans that Christ has for us. we hurt ourselves. we break ourselves. we don't allow ourselves to be the believers we are called to be. We hurt the one who created us. We don't give him enough credit. How many times does he have to say my grace is enough. He does not want us to run. He wants us to face up to the sin, confess, let him love us, and for us to move on. God wants us to be free. He never intended for us to imprison ourselves. He gave his life so we could be free. In the words of Rob Bell, "There is nothing we can ever do to make him love us any less. Nothing. Nothing."

the flame.

2007-09-20T09:19:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite bands came out with a new cd this week. I had high anticipations, and let me just say it met them all. The band is Thousand Foot Krutch, and the CD is "The flame in all of us." There are very few albums where I can relate lyrically to everything the artist is saying. This is one of the few. I think everyone should buy it.So if you are reading this stop, go to best buy, and grab a copy. If you hate it, you can yell at me later.

trouble sleeping.

2007-09-16T21:06:00.001-07:00

It is late, and I have a lot on my mind. I can't sleep. I wish I didn't feel things like I do. I have this gift (sometimes more of a curse) where my emotions are over powering. I swear i can almost feel when other people are hurting. I tend to take on their burdens, even though I may not always act like it. I carry them. Today was picnic in the park, and I sometimes just step back and watch all the people around me. I see the kids running around laughing, almost oblivious to the pain around them. They always make me smile. Then i see the dad of one of our twister kids down the street so strung out on drugs I can hardly even recognize him anymore. I politely wave and smile but inside I'm hurting for him. I want to scream at him for not taking care of his kids who I absolutely adore, but on the flip side I want to cry, and I wish so badly he could see the hope I have. How can people live without my hope? I don't know where I would be so i have no right to even consider judging them for one second. Then on top of these, I do have my own personal struggles. I have friends who have hurt me. people who have left. a job i absolutely hate .guilt for past things that for some unknown reason still have the ability to plague me. a suffocating fear of being alone, and failing at what I have been called so deeply to do. My emotions are messy, but I am thankful for them. I cant imagine not being able to feel the smile of a four year old, or even feel the tears of good friend. I do know one thing I need to get some sleep. I am tired. so tired.

so what I'm not married.

2007-09-13T11:37:00.000-07:00

Random Friend: "so are you married?"
Me: "no"
Random Friend: "engaged?"
Me: "no"
Random Friend: "dating anyone?" (their voice begins to get a little shaky, as the awkwardness of the questions becomes more apparent)
Me: "nope"
Random Friend: "oh, don't worry. You'll find someone, he's out there"
Me: smile and nod. while thinking, If one more person asks me this question I'm going to scream. Do I look worried? Do I really look that desperate?

So what, I'm not married. Do I want to get married someday? well sure. Do I want to be single my whole life? hell no. My grandma is constantly reminding me that my time is running out. I am almost 24, apparently that is the cut off age of ever finding someone. My mom is telling me all the time how much she wants grandchildren. I have news for her, that is a LONG ways away. Most of my friends are either engaged, married, or dating seriously. So of course they see it as part of their duty to encourage me. Usually by telling me how they just know I'll get married. God is just waiting to bring me the perfect guy. Look its happened for them, It will happen for me.I'm probably coming across as bitter, which is not my intent, and not how i feel at all. I obviously love my grandma, my mom, and my friends very much. I think its sweet how they are so concerned and want me to be happy.

Honestly, It's not very easy being a single Jesus loving girl. First off, I have no one to change my oil, or tell me when something is wrong with my car. Second off, I have no one to go to weddings with me. I dread the invitations that read "Tanya and guest." Finally, you think its hard finding a nice guy? Well It's even harder finding a nice guy, who passionately loves God. Oh, and they have to be into ministry too. Hm, maybe my standards are too high?...... Nope. I don't think so.

You know what is great about this time though? I'm Single. I don't have to worry about a husband or kids, and all the responsibility that comes along with it. I don't have to ask before I spend money. I don't have to check another schedule before I make plans with my friends. I can sleep through a whole night without getting woken up by a kid crawling into bed with me. Oh, and the best part is I have so much more time to spend with my Jesus. I cherish my days. These are times when I can spend hours learning and growing. Resting in his presence. Listening to his voice. Doing whatever he tells me to do.

It is a great season, and I am truly grateful.

But, God if your listening..... I would rather not have to take care of my own car my whole life. :)

Here I go.

2007-09-12T12:06:00.000-07:00

Well here I go. I guess there is no turning back now. I'm an official blogger. Why am I doing this you ask? Well maybe not, but I'm going to tell anyway. Maybe its because I'm bored at work? Or maybe it's because I have nothing better to do with my time? Maybe it's just the enjoyment I find in seeing my words materialize on the screen in front of me? All of the above are true. I enjoy this process of trying to put into words the thoughts that are constantly flowing through my mind. More importantly though, I want people to see me. To see the raw truth of what being a follower of Christ looks like. I know for a fact people have a misconception of what being a "christian" is. So i prefer the term Jesus follower, hence the title of my blog "memoirs from a Jesus follower." I promise you sometimes It's going to be messy, but i do my best and that, my friend, is all he really asks.