dear friends...to no one inperticular....

Dear Friend,
I thought I knew you.
I had charted your lines on a graph.
I knew the things that made you laugh.
I knew the fears that made you cry.
I knew by your eyes what was brewing in your mind.
I guess I overlooked the thing that mattered the most.

Dear Friend,
I shared so much of my life with you.
At one point we had the same hopes and dreams.
I whispered things to you that no one else knew about me.
I never thought you would be the one to judge me.

Dear friend,
I sat in silence as you left.
Biting my tongue so much that blood poured.
I never wanted to be the one to hold you back.
So I hid my tear soaked pillows,
as I sat back and watched you soar.

Dear friend,
Close as sibilings we claimed we were.
You pushed me and I pushed back,
until the playful badgering
turned to hateful swords.
Now I sense the bitterness in your eyes.
I don't think I will ever really know what went wrong.

Dear friends,
Mistakes are made,
and lines are crossed.
Words are spoken out of ignorance and fear.
Things are changing,
and worlds are tossed.
Loyalty and irrationality turned out to be my downfall.
I will never stop thanking God
for each season brought to me.
Even as summer turns to fall.

Dear friends,
The love still remains,
But logically I am being told things must change.
It is a fact of this journey I must accept and move on.
Trusting as I keep walking,
my creater will pick up the pieces, and move me along.

currently listening too....

This is my confession. I own the new Britney cd, and I don't hate it.

frusturated.

Well lets see. It is 3:07 AM, and I can't sleep. I worked 13 hours today. I guess that is going to now be the Norm. When I took this job at Karen Acres Elementry, I didn't realize how much of my life it would affect. I now have to work 13 hours a day Monday through Thursday. Right after I get done having kids throw stuff at me all day, while screaming, I get to go to Agricredit and harass farmers in the collections department. Seems as if a mental break down is right around the corner. Now tell me was I crazy taking this job? I don't know. Do I regret it? That I dont know either. I had to quit small group. I can't have my weekly family night anymore. I can't sit at home and hang out with sarah and watch our shows, or old school party of five DVDs. I don't get to have my accountability group that keeps me sane on monday nights. I feel like I didn't speak with anyone I love for more than 10 minutes today. Is it really worth it? This another thing I don't know. I like my job, but I love my family. I love my friends. I love my small group. I love the people that surround me. I don't want to lose them. I don't want to slip away from them because I can't stop working just to make enough money to breath. Oh, frusturation.

10 things in no particular order

1) It makes me sad than an eight year old doesn't think he has anything to live for.
2) I wish you weren't the first thing I think about when I wake up.
3) I can't get away from the tractors, but this time I'm thankful.
4) I hate the sprint store. I think I'm going to scream next time I step foot in there.
5) This writers strike is stressing me out. What am I going to do without Lost? What if it never comes back? What if they are always on the damn island!?
6) Music has the ability to sway my emotions.
7) I feel bad for Britney Spears.
8) I am sick of people asking me if I'm married. It's depressing.
9) I am broke.
10)I hate winter.

I have a sharp object, and I know how to use it.

I started my new job this week. I really love it. I have never loved a job so this is all new for me. I am just almost waiting for something to go wrong. It's funny though because when people ask me what I did for the day it sounds miserable. I say things such as:

"well one little girl told me I have a sharp object and I know how to use it"
"one little boy said I do not like you, I do not like you very much"
"Oh, and I have a mentioned I get stuff thrown at me, daily, and by daily I mean hourly."
"It's not unusual to get screamed at, and told how much the kid hates me"

Perhaps I have officially lost my mind. Normal people would not enjoy those kind of things. Sane people would not want to put themselves under that kind of scrutiny for 8 hours a day, oh and take a pay cut and leave behind their cozy office job in the process. So I guess I'm not normal, or sane, and I guess I am completely okay with it.

I got a letter today stating I would be getting one dollar less an hour than I had anticipated. I also have not heard back for days from my so-called part time job I so desperately need. These types of things would normally push me over the edge and cause me to cry for days, but lately things don't seem to worry me. I actually feel like I can be myself at work. I don't have to pretend to care about tractors. I don't have to act like I know how to figure out all these processing problems. I can just love kids. As lame as it sounds, I am doing what I was called to do, something God crafted me for. Well, at least for the moment. Maybe in a few years I will be back in cozy corporate, but for now, I'm just going to thank God for the blessing he has given me.