called out.

I got called out last night. I must say I don’t particularly care for getting called out, but who does. Josh and I had just left book club, and we were sitting in his apartment parking lot talking about all of the things we had just heard. Somehow our conversation went from African poverty, starvation, and violence to Bates Park. I guess it’s not too hard to see how that occurred. This year of Twister has been a hard one for me. I didn’t feel connected, I kind of felt like an outcast in my own ministry, and lost, not knowing what to do with my passion for these kids and this neighborhood that burns inside of me. All of these wounds and hard ministry times this year I realized last night, were mostly self-inflected. It all became very evident when I was talking about it, and Josh said “well, you haven’t been engaged this year, that’s what needs to change” ummm…what?? Immediately in my lovely human nature my defensive side came out, but luckily it was only quietly in my mind. That only lasted about one minute, and then I broke down crying. He was right. Where have I been this year? I have no idea. I know where I have not been. I have not been engaged in the lives of the kids and people God has placed around me. I have not been even engaged in twister and the lessons, and the games, or even simply just loving these kids that are there every Sunday.
My role in twister has always been a hard one for me to come to terms with. I am gifted very differently than Sarah and the others that have been a part of the ministry. I’m not a teacher, and that is okay, but it gets hard for me to know how to fit into a ministry that is filled with teaching. This winter I am bound and determined to do some searching, do some talking with people much smarter than me, do some listening, and figure out how I can be the most effective person I can be in the ministry field that God has called me into.
I know for a fact he has called me, so he has a plan for me.