The class

Last night there were 9 of us sitting around Rob and Ami's front room for a "class." I'm pretty sure no one knew what they were there for when we originally entered those doors.It's called "the principles." It teaches you how your mind works,and basically how to live so much more simply. As I was sitting in this small group setting I started to realize this was an interactive class. I do not really care for those all that much. I would rather just sit back and let everyone else do all the talking and get all the advice and healing. As I sat there I felt panic knowing that I quite possibly would have to say something. The guy leading the class looked at me, and said "so what do you think." Umm, Panic. What do I think?? I have no idea what I think?? Like about life?? about the last five minutes?? about what I'm going to do tomorrow?? This is what comes out of my mouth. "I don't talk" Yes. compose yourself, or keep laughing at me if you must, because I know I am still laughing about it...then the conversation went as follows...

"what do you mean you don't talk?"

"I just am not good at talking"

"It seems like you are talking just fine"

"well yes, I can speak, but I don't like to do it"

"why not?"

once again...loaded question.... " I don't know"

"yes you do..do you think you will say something stupid? do you think no one cares?"

"Yes that must be it."

"well I'm just throwing out ideas here, why don't you like to talk. What do you think when you are asked to talk"


"Panic"


"and its all in your mind. see how much we all make things up"



Ah-ha. There is was. It is not like every single time I talk something stupid comes out of my mouth. It is not like people are always not interested in what I am saying. Of course we all have our moments, but most of this is in my mind. I get panicked over something that never happened.

Another interesting thing he talked about was our past. It is BEHIND us. Hence the word past, and we are the ONLY people with the ability to bring it to the present. No one else can make us feel our past if we don't want to. Yet, time after time I am always bringing my past to the present, and not only bringing to the presence, but letting it drag me and weigh be down miserably.

So bottom line. I make stuff up, and haunt myself with my own past.

Break

I know everyone has been there. When the weight is so strong, when the hurt is so real you can actually feel it in your cheast reminding you of the beautiful hand crafted heart that beats inside of you. I am so sick of listening to the fighting. I am so sick of being a part of the fighting. I am so sick of justifying myself. I am sick of being told how awful of a friend I am. Under no circumstances should I be told to make a list of why I'm a good friend.At least I have some easter candy to keep me company as I vent, rant, and rave in my mind. I have learned that is the best way to do it, so you dont have to clean up the mess of your words the next day, because this my fellow bloggers, could get messy. So I'm off to a sleepless night I'm sure, and thoughts of what could have been different.

The Gun Slinger

There is just something about Green Bay Packer football in the snow, especially when Brett Favre is gun slinging the football down the field, even when it ends in an interception. I love football. I'm a cheese head for life. There is so much that will be missing from Sunday afternoons now. The child like grin, the anticipation of the come back, the dissapointment in the interception, the constant suprises, the spontaneous passes, and even in diversity and challenges the hope that comes through how he plays the game. Brett Favre is going to be greatly missed in the game I adore.

Currently listening to, reading, and watching....

Citizen Cope. He is great. Sideways is the best song. Listen to it here
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Kate Voegele. I love all of her songs.



Messy Spirituality. A great book about normal messy people, which we all fall into that catergory in one way or another.



Lost. Still the most creative, well written, show on television. If you have never seen it you need to rent the seasons, because you are missing out.



One Tree Hill. They skipped the college years, and that was the best move they ever made. The show is great now.



American Idol, of course. There is no one as good as Blake this season, but I would never miss Simons lovely English attitude.