The class

Last night there were 9 of us sitting around Rob and Ami's front room for a "class." I'm pretty sure no one knew what they were there for when we originally entered those doors.It's called "the principles." It teaches you how your mind works,and basically how to live so much more simply. As I was sitting in this small group setting I started to realize this was an interactive class. I do not really care for those all that much. I would rather just sit back and let everyone else do all the talking and get all the advice and healing. As I sat there I felt panic knowing that I quite possibly would have to say something. The guy leading the class looked at me, and said "so what do you think." Umm, Panic. What do I think?? I have no idea what I think?? Like about life?? about the last five minutes?? about what I'm going to do tomorrow?? This is what comes out of my mouth. "I don't talk" Yes. compose yourself, or keep laughing at me if you must, because I know I am still laughing about it...then the conversation went as follows...

"what do you mean you don't talk?"

"I just am not good at talking"

"It seems like you are talking just fine"

"well yes, I can speak, but I don't like to do it"

"why not?"

once again...loaded question.... " I don't know"

"yes you do..do you think you will say something stupid? do you think no one cares?"

"Yes that must be it."

"well I'm just throwing out ideas here, why don't you like to talk. What do you think when you are asked to talk"


"Panic"


"and its all in your mind. see how much we all make things up"



Ah-ha. There is was. It is not like every single time I talk something stupid comes out of my mouth. It is not like people are always not interested in what I am saying. Of course we all have our moments, but most of this is in my mind. I get panicked over something that never happened.

Another interesting thing he talked about was our past. It is BEHIND us. Hence the word past, and we are the ONLY people with the ability to bring it to the present. No one else can make us feel our past if we don't want to. Yet, time after time I am always bringing my past to the present, and not only bringing to the presence, but letting it drag me and weigh be down miserably.

So bottom line. I make stuff up, and haunt myself with my own past.