the worse?

We all think we are the worse. I know in my own mind as I'm reading over the words of Paul where he declares he is the worst sinner I laugh. "okay maybe Paul was the worse before me." I dare to guarantee this has crossed the mind of thousands upon thousands of Christians. We are all so hard on ourselves. I see it all around me. Will there ever be a point where we let ourselves breath? Its a tough balance. I don't mean we allow ourselves to blatantly sin, in obvious rejection of the truth but is it really necessary we tear ourselves apart when we do. I have been there in some of the lowest points of my life. It does nothing but make it worse when we dwell on how disappointed we have made our savior. We are suppose to feel it. Its called conviction. But when we do, we need to turn and run not think about it, internalize it, and make it a part of us. When we do make it a part of us we begin to destroy the plans that Christ has for us. we hurt ourselves. we break ourselves. we don't allow ourselves to be the believers we are called to be. We hurt the one who created us. We don't give him enough credit. How many times does he have to say my grace is enough. He does not want us to run. He wants us to face up to the sin, confess, let him love us, and for us to move on. God wants us to be free. He never intended for us to imprison ourselves. He gave his life so we could be free. In the words of Rob Bell, "There is nothing we can ever do to make him love us any less. Nothing. Nothing."

the flame.

One of my favorite bands came out with a new cd this week. I had high anticipations, and let me just say it met them all. The band is Thousand Foot Krutch, and the CD is "The flame in all of us." There are very few albums where I can relate lyrically to everything the artist is saying. This is one of the few. I think everyone should buy it.So if you are reading this stop, go to best buy, and grab a copy. If you hate it, you can yell at me later.

trouble sleeping.

It is late, and I have a lot on my mind. I can't sleep. I wish I didn't feel things like I do. I have this gift (sometimes more of a curse) where my emotions are over powering. I swear i can almost feel when other people are hurting. I tend to take on their burdens, even though I may not always act like it. I carry them. Today was picnic in the park, and I sometimes just step back and watch all the people around me. I see the kids running around laughing, almost oblivious to the pain around them. They always make me smile. Then i see the dad of one of our twister kids down the street so strung out on drugs I can hardly even recognize him anymore. I politely wave and smile but inside I'm hurting for him. I want to scream at him for not taking care of his kids who I absolutely adore, but on the flip side I want to cry, and I wish so badly he could see the hope I have. How can people live without my hope? I don't know where I would be so i have no right to even consider judging them for one second. Then on top of these, I do have my own personal struggles. I have friends who have hurt me. people who have left. a job i absolutely hate .guilt for past things that for some unknown reason still have the ability to plague me. a suffocating fear of being alone, and failing at what I have been called so deeply to do. My emotions are messy, but I am thankful for them. I cant imagine not being able to feel the smile of a four year old, or even feel the tears of good friend. I do know one thing I need to get some sleep. I am tired. so tired.

so what I'm not married.

Random Friend: "so are you married?"
Me: "no"
Random Friend: "engaged?"
Me: "no"
Random Friend: "dating anyone?" (their voice begins to get a little shaky, as the awkwardness of the questions becomes more apparent)
Me: "nope"
Random Friend: "oh, don't worry. You'll find someone, he's out there"
Me: smile and nod. while thinking, If one more person asks me this question I'm going to scream. Do I look worried? Do I really look that desperate?

So what, I'm not married. Do I want to get married someday? well sure. Do I want to be single my whole life? hell no. My grandma is constantly reminding me that my time is running out. I am almost 24, apparently that is the cut off age of ever finding someone. My mom is telling me all the time how much she wants grandchildren. I have news for her, that is a LONG ways away. Most of my friends are either engaged, married, or dating seriously. So of course they see it as part of their duty to encourage me. Usually by telling me how they just know I'll get married. God is just waiting to bring me the perfect guy. Look its happened for them, It will happen for me.I'm probably coming across as bitter, which is not my intent, and not how i feel at all. I obviously love my grandma, my mom, and my friends very much. I think its sweet how they are so concerned and want me to be happy.

Honestly, It's not very easy being a single Jesus loving girl. First off, I have no one to change my oil, or tell me when something is wrong with my car. Second off, I have no one to go to weddings with me. I dread the invitations that read "Tanya and guest." Finally, you think its hard finding a nice guy? Well It's even harder finding a nice guy, who passionately loves God. Oh, and they have to be into ministry too. Hm, maybe my standards are too high?...... Nope. I don't think so.

You know what is great about this time though? I'm Single. I don't have to worry about a husband or kids, and all the responsibility that comes along with it. I don't have to ask before I spend money. I don't have to check another schedule before I make plans with my friends. I can sleep through a whole night without getting woken up by a kid crawling into bed with me. Oh, and the best part is I have so much more time to spend with my Jesus. I cherish my days. These are times when I can spend hours learning and growing. Resting in his presence. Listening to his voice. Doing whatever he tells me to do.

It is a great season, and I am truly grateful.

But, God if your listening..... I would rather not have to take care of my own car my whole life. :)

Here I go.

Well here I go. I guess there is no turning back now. I'm an official blogger. Why am I doing this you ask? Well maybe not, but I'm going to tell anyway. Maybe its because I'm bored at work? Or maybe it's because I have nothing better to do with my time? Maybe it's just the enjoyment I find in seeing my words materialize on the screen in front of me? All of the above are true. I enjoy this process of trying to put into words the thoughts that are constantly flowing through my mind. More importantly though, I want people to see me. To see the raw truth of what being a follower of Christ looks like. I know for a fact people have a misconception of what being a "christian" is. So i prefer the term Jesus follower, hence the title of my blog "memoirs from a Jesus follower." I promise you sometimes It's going to be messy, but i do my best and that, my friend, is all he really asks.