Goodbye Tractors.

This is my last week of the tractors. I will no longer have to think about the MTX120 McCormick compact tractor. It makes me laugh that I know enough about tractors to even construct that previous statement. I have been nothing but nervous, upset, and worried these last couple weeks leading up to the end of my time here. Now I have a peace. Although nothing is really in order yet. I don't have a part time job yet, I need my social security card that I cant find, My family thinks I have officially lost my mind, I am not going to make enough money at my full time job to even really live, I need to get a physical in the next week, and I need to say goodbye to so many co-workers who I adore. Things will come together. I am confident of that now. I have no idea why, but I'm guessing its this little thing I hold so dear too, faith.

Twister. Year Three.

Today was the last Twister of the season. I cannot believe that it is the end. This year flew by. I really cant believe that this is the third year we have been doing it. This could have been the hardest year since we started. Maybe I just dont remember how hard the first year was? Showing up week after week with no kids. Sitting at the park eating cookies with sarah and amber, but being completely convinced this is what God wanted us to do. People had to think we were crazy. I'm sure we were laughed at. I'm sure people thought that we had lost our minds. Three young girls going into the ghetto to try to make a difference. What could we possibly do? Well nothing honestly, but through God who knows what could happen. I believe with all my heart, we still have yet to see the amazing things he is going to do in that park. We had so many hard weeks this year. I felt like all we did was yell at the kids most of the time. I felt like we werent making a difference at all.Then when the kid who doesnt listen to us and swears at us, runs up and gives us a hug, it makes it all worth it. That may sound like a cliche, but its so true. I remember many nights sitting at home with sarah asking ourselves if we were crazy. Why dont we get sick of it? Why do we keep going back? Why don't we get so tired we just want to quit? One simple word. Jesus. I am so thankful he has created this passion in us. It is not what i expected it to look like. The leadership has changed, our dreams have shifted throughout the years, but I wouldn't trade what we have now for anything.Who knows what next year is going to bring. When I think about where we were at a year ago its completely different than what it is now, Almost a distant memory, another life time ago. I wouldn't dare to even try to predict what next year will bring. I do know one thing though, I cant wait to see what God is going to do. This is only the beginning.

Moldolva? Part 2

So,I learned tonight I will probably not be able to go on the missions trip. I am in one of my best friend from high schools wedding on July 4th. Rob, Ami, and crew are more than likely leaving for Moldolva on the 3rd, 4th, or the 5th. I can't decide if I am extremely relieved or dissapointed. I'm guessing it is a little of both. I did actually pray that if I couldn't handle the missions trip or for some reason shouldn't go that it would be scheduled during the wedding. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about the fact that it actually did happen that way. I am not exactly sure how i feel about anything these days.

No turning back this time.

" Wait, I might hesitate am I a minute to late. Please Lord I need to know this pressures got me letting go. If I'm wrong will I still carry on and end up where I belong. I've never felt this way before. I've never come so close. I've never warn so thin. Im stepping out instead of closing in. I left myself behind when I made up my mind. No turning back this time. This is my new design"

The above lyrics describe exactly every thought that has been in my mind over the last week. I had a big decesion to make. I am not good at decesions. I went back and fourth begging God to show me what he wanted for my life. Then I would question what if I made the wrong choice? Would I screw up my entire life? Of course not, but I wouldnt believe that to save my life last week. I really don't think I had one rational thought in my mind. I knew what God was telling me to do. I knew the whole time, but i kept talking myself out of it. The thoughts "It doesnt really matter what I chose" were constintley in my mind. I had talked myself into thinking that neither one was sin, so neither choice would be wrong. That's not true. I knew God was telling me to quit my job. I did that today. Am I scared? Hell yeah. Am I going to have to work harder than I ever had to work in my life? probably. Do I know what I have gotten myself into? Im guessing no. It doesn't really matter to me though. He is not leaving me. I had to apologize to God last night. I made this decesion way to much about me. He had BLESSED me with this opportunity, and I took it on like a curse.I asked him for it, and then I got mad at him for giving it to me. Sinful nature here I come again. This could get interesting, but I am excited. There is a certain freedom that comes with trusting. It doesnt make it any less scary, but it feels right. I guess it better feel right, since there is no turning back now. The two week notice has officially been given. I will say goodbye to the tractors soon, and hello to a whole new world of bad ass little kids.

So this is life.....

So I got offered a job yesterday. Yay, right? Or not? Its a teachers associate job for Karen Acres, an elementry shcool in Urbandale. I have been complaining about my job for years now. So its a no brainer to take this job right? NOPE. I dont think I have ever struggled with a decesion so much in my life. I cant decide what shoes i want to wear on a daily basis how can i make a choice to change my career. There is no doubt in my mind I would love the job. Nothing makes me happier than bad ass little kids, and the little girl I would be in charge of sounds like she is one of the worst. During the interview I was so excited, I thought I would be good at the job, and I thought I would love it, but one thing I never expected was that I would actually get offered the job. Then my phone rang yesterday " we would like you to join Karen Acres as a 7 hour teacher associate."
So, what is the problem you ask? MONEY!! It is a 10,000 dollar a year pay cut. I struggle financially now, so how would i ever do that? Does God want me to do it? Where would I work during the summer? Where is the line between being responsible and having faith that he will meet ALL my needs? I have no freaking idea.
Im trying to listen, hardcore, but Im getting nothing. Well I have to decide by tonight. Tomorrow this will be all over, and I have not the slightest clue what that even means.

If I could start over.....

This week I have been reflecting. I have come to the conclusion this is a good and bad thing. Regret is a scary thing. Looking back sometimes makes me regret, but it also gives me hope that new things are coming. This week has been hard.I think some of it has to do with my past smacking me in the face in this last month. It was something I never would have expected, and something I definetely wasnt prepared to fight.I think the rest of it is because its my birthday on Friday. I'm never really a fan of my birthday for some reason. I feel like another year has come and gone and I have accomplished nothing. Another year has come and gone, and I have let down the one who created me.I know these are lies, but for some reason, I don't know how to accept that it is not true. My mind is conditioned to see the bad in me, and in others. I guess I can chalk it up to that awful sin nature. As I look back on my life I feel like there are so many things I would do different, but really would I if I was given the chance? I don't know why I think about it. I cant go back. I cant teleport like Hiro Nakumora and manipulate the past to get the future I have always wanted. One of my favorite songs has this lyric in it "Life's like an hour glass glued to the table, no one can find the rewind button now, so cradle your head your hands, and breath. just breath." How true is that? Oh, how I just need to breath. I can't start over. I can try to live the life I am called to live today, and that is all I can really do.

moldova?

My church is taking a missions trip to Moldova. Part of me desperately wants to go, and part of me wants to cry when i think about it.It's a strange feeling. I have never once had the desire to go out of the country. I have never once wanted to leave the comforts of america and proclaim the truth of Christ. I run into many kids and teens every week right here 20 minutes away from my home that I get to show Gods love to, but there is this tugging inside of me telling me to take the chance. then almost immediately comes the overwhelming fear that stifles it. I heard about the trip a couple weeks ago. I immediately thought I couldn't afford it so there is really no need to even consider it. Then when I heard it was working with people 18-25, I thought, "well I shouldn't go anyway, working with kids is definitely more my forte, I wouldn't have the slightest clue how to deal with people my own age." I think God was probably laughing at me. This morning at church Rob gets up and says "Know that money isn't going to be an issue, If you are suppose to go on this trip God will provide. Oh, and don't believe the lies that you wouldn't be able to do this. God can use you." Um hello, God yes I did hear that loud and clear whether I wanted to or not. Its quite ironic how I still feel the need to limit God. He is GOD. He can use me however he wants to use me. It has nothing to do with me honestly. I just have to be willing. He has proved that to me time and time again. Now, I just have to listen.

The Clarks

So tonight was my roommate Sarah's birthday. I went to dinner with her and her family. I wish everyone knew them. I'm pretty sure i never stopped laughing tonight. So i felt the need to share some of the classic lines. Here is a little background, there is Gary, who is Sarah's dad, Julie Sarah's mom, and Ryan Sarah's senior in high school brother.


1- Gary: " Sometimes when I am walking I see people I don't know"- this spoken as if it was the most profound statement in the world.

2- Julie: " you guys want to hear something disgusting. Well disgusting, but good for us"
Ryan: "How can something be disgusting and good for us?

3- Sarah: " would you rather have the first African American president elected, or the first women president?"
Ryan- " African American, but I don't know why. Maybe because if we have a women president all the other countries will make fun of us"

4. Ryan: "So is James Bond in the CIA?"
Sarah: "no I dont think so
Ryan: "but he takes orders and kills people"
Sarah: "well then he must be, but not every hero is in the CIA"
Ryan: " Well its not like i thought spiderman was in the CIA"
Sarah: "Yeah thats true, but what about inspector gadget?"



I'm sure that Sarah is probably the only one laughing who is reading this, but I find all these lines quite hilarious. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

boredom+blogspot= many random thoughts

I am bored bored bored bored bored at work today. You are probably laughing and thinking whats new right?? Yes you are right, absolutely nothing is new. When I'm bored my mind starts to wonder. Its funny the things your mind thinks about when you don't filter it. I have had many random thoughts today. I have been thinking a lot about the sex and the city movie. I honestly don't really care about it all that much, but Sarah Jessica Parker does have the cutest shoes, and I need to know is she with Mr. Big? Is she not with Mr. Big? I did get something of value accomplished today. I planned out some Bricks lessons for the next few weeks. Not like we can really use them in McDonalds, but hey, I enjoyed it. Oh, and then there is Ms. Britney Spears seriously someone needs to watch that girl. She needs help. If you saw the VMA performance you all know what I'm talking about. Twister is ending in 4 weeks. I am going to miss some of those kids to death, especially Ms. Asia, but i am in desperate need of a break. This year has made me very tired. I think we should have been given the title referee this summer. Don't judge me, but i just want to sleep until noon on a Saturday!!!! My birthday is fast approaching. 24 seems old. I swear I can feel the wrinkles on my face becoming more defined. My hair is a mess today, and I like it that way. I wonder if I really hate my job or if I hate being bored? I think the later is probably more of the truth. I have thought a lot today about how Jesus was a carpenter. He probably got up and went to work every day like I have to. That makes me feel a little better, I guess.