I miss....

1. the summer.
2. feeling confident for a moment that i knew what i was doing.
3. not selling myself short.
4. when i had control of my emotions.
5. you.
6. old school nights.
7. thinking before i spoke.
8. when i use to trust you.
9. high school when things were simple in the most complicated kind of way.
10. 2 steps forward and no steps back.
11. my apartment.
12. sleeping with no interuptions.
13. a clear mind.
14. being confident in truth.
15. freedom.
16. carmel machiottos.
17. the fall days when a hooded sweatshirt was enough.
18. the Randazzos N. Jacob house.
19. the days when i didn't doubt i was a good friend.
20. my family.

He is good. Always.

I have some things on my mind. Some things that are changing, and not just on the outside, amazingly on the inside as well.

First, I'm going back to the tractors(sorry Meredith!). I do love the kids, but it's not worth it to me to miss out on my own life. Through this whole process of deciding it hit me how much God truly loves me. I begged him, yes literally begged, for this new job. He gave it to me. I asked him for a part time job. He gave it to me. Then when I decided I didnt want it anymore, after only a month I might add, He provided me a way out. I'm not saying that Jesus gives us whatever we ask for, but in this situation he knew that is what I needed, and he is the only one who knew it. From the outside the associate job seemed perfect, but he knew better. I don't know why this a suprise to me. The creator of my heart knows what is best for me. Not only the creator of my heart, but the creator of my whole world. Who am I to ever doubt that?

Second, one of my best friends Ami that I love so much and who has taken me into her family had a little bit of a health scare this weekend. For a lack of better words it scared the hell out of me. It is never a good thing when the phone rings at 5AM, and this was no different, but she is okay now. She is home safe with her family, and I can do nothing but thank Jesus for that. I did a lot of thinking this weekend. I know that life is short, I know that you never know what could happen, but seroiusly, that is the truth. Sometimes when I'm with my grandma I think this could be the last time I see her. It could be the last time she nags me in her loving grandma way about driving on ice, or my lack of food in my apartment, or the last time she hugs me when I'm leaving her house. It makes me so thankful for her. I want to do that with everyone. Not in a morbid weird way of course, but sometimes to just think about how much I love them, and how lucky I am to have them, because as cliche as it sounds, life is short.

One last thing. I think Jesus is working in my heart. It's been a while since I've really felt like this. I feel him telling me that I need to find my happiness in him, and not in ideas of what I think my life should be like. I have said so many times I'll just be happy if....but guess what? It doesn't work. Even if I find that If, I still feel the same. It's changing on the inside, and I'm excited.

dear friends...to no one inperticular....

Dear Friend,
I thought I knew you.
I had charted your lines on a graph.
I knew the things that made you laugh.
I knew the fears that made you cry.
I knew by your eyes what was brewing in your mind.
I guess I overlooked the thing that mattered the most.

Dear Friend,
I shared so much of my life with you.
At one point we had the same hopes and dreams.
I whispered things to you that no one else knew about me.
I never thought you would be the one to judge me.

Dear friend,
I sat in silence as you left.
Biting my tongue so much that blood poured.
I never wanted to be the one to hold you back.
So I hid my tear soaked pillows,
as I sat back and watched you soar.

Dear friend,
Close as sibilings we claimed we were.
You pushed me and I pushed back,
until the playful badgering
turned to hateful swords.
Now I sense the bitterness in your eyes.
I don't think I will ever really know what went wrong.

Dear friends,
Mistakes are made,
and lines are crossed.
Words are spoken out of ignorance and fear.
Things are changing,
and worlds are tossed.
Loyalty and irrationality turned out to be my downfall.
I will never stop thanking God
for each season brought to me.
Even as summer turns to fall.

Dear friends,
The love still remains,
But logically I am being told things must change.
It is a fact of this journey I must accept and move on.
Trusting as I keep walking,
my creater will pick up the pieces, and move me along.

currently listening too....

This is my confession. I own the new Britney cd, and I don't hate it.

frusturated.

Well lets see. It is 3:07 AM, and I can't sleep. I worked 13 hours today. I guess that is going to now be the Norm. When I took this job at Karen Acres Elementry, I didn't realize how much of my life it would affect. I now have to work 13 hours a day Monday through Thursday. Right after I get done having kids throw stuff at me all day, while screaming, I get to go to Agricredit and harass farmers in the collections department. Seems as if a mental break down is right around the corner. Now tell me was I crazy taking this job? I don't know. Do I regret it? That I dont know either. I had to quit small group. I can't have my weekly family night anymore. I can't sit at home and hang out with sarah and watch our shows, or old school party of five DVDs. I don't get to have my accountability group that keeps me sane on monday nights. I feel like I didn't speak with anyone I love for more than 10 minutes today. Is it really worth it? This another thing I don't know. I like my job, but I love my family. I love my friends. I love my small group. I love the people that surround me. I don't want to lose them. I don't want to slip away from them because I can't stop working just to make enough money to breath. Oh, frusturation.

10 things in no particular order

1) It makes me sad than an eight year old doesn't think he has anything to live for.
2) I wish you weren't the first thing I think about when I wake up.
3) I can't get away from the tractors, but this time I'm thankful.
4) I hate the sprint store. I think I'm going to scream next time I step foot in there.
5) This writers strike is stressing me out. What am I going to do without Lost? What if it never comes back? What if they are always on the damn island!?
6) Music has the ability to sway my emotions.
7) I feel bad for Britney Spears.
8) I am sick of people asking me if I'm married. It's depressing.
9) I am broke.
10)I hate winter.

I have a sharp object, and I know how to use it.

I started my new job this week. I really love it. I have never loved a job so this is all new for me. I am just almost waiting for something to go wrong. It's funny though because when people ask me what I did for the day it sounds miserable. I say things such as:

"well one little girl told me I have a sharp object and I know how to use it"
"one little boy said I do not like you, I do not like you very much"
"Oh, and I have a mentioned I get stuff thrown at me, daily, and by daily I mean hourly."
"It's not unusual to get screamed at, and told how much the kid hates me"

Perhaps I have officially lost my mind. Normal people would not enjoy those kind of things. Sane people would not want to put themselves under that kind of scrutiny for 8 hours a day, oh and take a pay cut and leave behind their cozy office job in the process. So I guess I'm not normal, or sane, and I guess I am completely okay with it.

I got a letter today stating I would be getting one dollar less an hour than I had anticipated. I also have not heard back for days from my so-called part time job I so desperately need. These types of things would normally push me over the edge and cause me to cry for days, but lately things don't seem to worry me. I actually feel like I can be myself at work. I don't have to pretend to care about tractors. I don't have to act like I know how to figure out all these processing problems. I can just love kids. As lame as it sounds, I am doing what I was called to do, something God crafted me for. Well, at least for the moment. Maybe in a few years I will be back in cozy corporate, but for now, I'm just going to thank God for the blessing he has given me.

Goodbye Tractors.

This is my last week of the tractors. I will no longer have to think about the MTX120 McCormick compact tractor. It makes me laugh that I know enough about tractors to even construct that previous statement. I have been nothing but nervous, upset, and worried these last couple weeks leading up to the end of my time here. Now I have a peace. Although nothing is really in order yet. I don't have a part time job yet, I need my social security card that I cant find, My family thinks I have officially lost my mind, I am not going to make enough money at my full time job to even really live, I need to get a physical in the next week, and I need to say goodbye to so many co-workers who I adore. Things will come together. I am confident of that now. I have no idea why, but I'm guessing its this little thing I hold so dear too, faith.

Twister. Year Three.

Today was the last Twister of the season. I cannot believe that it is the end. This year flew by. I really cant believe that this is the third year we have been doing it. This could have been the hardest year since we started. Maybe I just dont remember how hard the first year was? Showing up week after week with no kids. Sitting at the park eating cookies with sarah and amber, but being completely convinced this is what God wanted us to do. People had to think we were crazy. I'm sure we were laughed at. I'm sure people thought that we had lost our minds. Three young girls going into the ghetto to try to make a difference. What could we possibly do? Well nothing honestly, but through God who knows what could happen. I believe with all my heart, we still have yet to see the amazing things he is going to do in that park. We had so many hard weeks this year. I felt like all we did was yell at the kids most of the time. I felt like we werent making a difference at all.Then when the kid who doesnt listen to us and swears at us, runs up and gives us a hug, it makes it all worth it. That may sound like a cliche, but its so true. I remember many nights sitting at home with sarah asking ourselves if we were crazy. Why dont we get sick of it? Why do we keep going back? Why don't we get so tired we just want to quit? One simple word. Jesus. I am so thankful he has created this passion in us. It is not what i expected it to look like. The leadership has changed, our dreams have shifted throughout the years, but I wouldn't trade what we have now for anything.Who knows what next year is going to bring. When I think about where we were at a year ago its completely different than what it is now, Almost a distant memory, another life time ago. I wouldn't dare to even try to predict what next year will bring. I do know one thing though, I cant wait to see what God is going to do. This is only the beginning.

Moldolva? Part 2

So,I learned tonight I will probably not be able to go on the missions trip. I am in one of my best friend from high schools wedding on July 4th. Rob, Ami, and crew are more than likely leaving for Moldolva on the 3rd, 4th, or the 5th. I can't decide if I am extremely relieved or dissapointed. I'm guessing it is a little of both. I did actually pray that if I couldn't handle the missions trip or for some reason shouldn't go that it would be scheduled during the wedding. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about the fact that it actually did happen that way. I am not exactly sure how i feel about anything these days.

No turning back this time.

" Wait, I might hesitate am I a minute to late. Please Lord I need to know this pressures got me letting go. If I'm wrong will I still carry on and end up where I belong. I've never felt this way before. I've never come so close. I've never warn so thin. Im stepping out instead of closing in. I left myself behind when I made up my mind. No turning back this time. This is my new design"

The above lyrics describe exactly every thought that has been in my mind over the last week. I had a big decesion to make. I am not good at decesions. I went back and fourth begging God to show me what he wanted for my life. Then I would question what if I made the wrong choice? Would I screw up my entire life? Of course not, but I wouldnt believe that to save my life last week. I really don't think I had one rational thought in my mind. I knew what God was telling me to do. I knew the whole time, but i kept talking myself out of it. The thoughts "It doesnt really matter what I chose" were constintley in my mind. I had talked myself into thinking that neither one was sin, so neither choice would be wrong. That's not true. I knew God was telling me to quit my job. I did that today. Am I scared? Hell yeah. Am I going to have to work harder than I ever had to work in my life? probably. Do I know what I have gotten myself into? Im guessing no. It doesn't really matter to me though. He is not leaving me. I had to apologize to God last night. I made this decesion way to much about me. He had BLESSED me with this opportunity, and I took it on like a curse.I asked him for it, and then I got mad at him for giving it to me. Sinful nature here I come again. This could get interesting, but I am excited. There is a certain freedom that comes with trusting. It doesnt make it any less scary, but it feels right. I guess it better feel right, since there is no turning back now. The two week notice has officially been given. I will say goodbye to the tractors soon, and hello to a whole new world of bad ass little kids.

So this is life.....

So I got offered a job yesterday. Yay, right? Or not? Its a teachers associate job for Karen Acres, an elementry shcool in Urbandale. I have been complaining about my job for years now. So its a no brainer to take this job right? NOPE. I dont think I have ever struggled with a decesion so much in my life. I cant decide what shoes i want to wear on a daily basis how can i make a choice to change my career. There is no doubt in my mind I would love the job. Nothing makes me happier than bad ass little kids, and the little girl I would be in charge of sounds like she is one of the worst. During the interview I was so excited, I thought I would be good at the job, and I thought I would love it, but one thing I never expected was that I would actually get offered the job. Then my phone rang yesterday " we would like you to join Karen Acres as a 7 hour teacher associate."
So, what is the problem you ask? MONEY!! It is a 10,000 dollar a year pay cut. I struggle financially now, so how would i ever do that? Does God want me to do it? Where would I work during the summer? Where is the line between being responsible and having faith that he will meet ALL my needs? I have no freaking idea.
Im trying to listen, hardcore, but Im getting nothing. Well I have to decide by tonight. Tomorrow this will be all over, and I have not the slightest clue what that even means.

If I could start over.....

This week I have been reflecting. I have come to the conclusion this is a good and bad thing. Regret is a scary thing. Looking back sometimes makes me regret, but it also gives me hope that new things are coming. This week has been hard.I think some of it has to do with my past smacking me in the face in this last month. It was something I never would have expected, and something I definetely wasnt prepared to fight.I think the rest of it is because its my birthday on Friday. I'm never really a fan of my birthday for some reason. I feel like another year has come and gone and I have accomplished nothing. Another year has come and gone, and I have let down the one who created me.I know these are lies, but for some reason, I don't know how to accept that it is not true. My mind is conditioned to see the bad in me, and in others. I guess I can chalk it up to that awful sin nature. As I look back on my life I feel like there are so many things I would do different, but really would I if I was given the chance? I don't know why I think about it. I cant go back. I cant teleport like Hiro Nakumora and manipulate the past to get the future I have always wanted. One of my favorite songs has this lyric in it "Life's like an hour glass glued to the table, no one can find the rewind button now, so cradle your head your hands, and breath. just breath." How true is that? Oh, how I just need to breath. I can't start over. I can try to live the life I am called to live today, and that is all I can really do.

moldova?

My church is taking a missions trip to Moldova. Part of me desperately wants to go, and part of me wants to cry when i think about it.It's a strange feeling. I have never once had the desire to go out of the country. I have never once wanted to leave the comforts of america and proclaim the truth of Christ. I run into many kids and teens every week right here 20 minutes away from my home that I get to show Gods love to, but there is this tugging inside of me telling me to take the chance. then almost immediately comes the overwhelming fear that stifles it. I heard about the trip a couple weeks ago. I immediately thought I couldn't afford it so there is really no need to even consider it. Then when I heard it was working with people 18-25, I thought, "well I shouldn't go anyway, working with kids is definitely more my forte, I wouldn't have the slightest clue how to deal with people my own age." I think God was probably laughing at me. This morning at church Rob gets up and says "Know that money isn't going to be an issue, If you are suppose to go on this trip God will provide. Oh, and don't believe the lies that you wouldn't be able to do this. God can use you." Um hello, God yes I did hear that loud and clear whether I wanted to or not. Its quite ironic how I still feel the need to limit God. He is GOD. He can use me however he wants to use me. It has nothing to do with me honestly. I just have to be willing. He has proved that to me time and time again. Now, I just have to listen.

The Clarks

So tonight was my roommate Sarah's birthday. I went to dinner with her and her family. I wish everyone knew them. I'm pretty sure i never stopped laughing tonight. So i felt the need to share some of the classic lines. Here is a little background, there is Gary, who is Sarah's dad, Julie Sarah's mom, and Ryan Sarah's senior in high school brother.


1- Gary: " Sometimes when I am walking I see people I don't know"- this spoken as if it was the most profound statement in the world.

2- Julie: " you guys want to hear something disgusting. Well disgusting, but good for us"
Ryan: "How can something be disgusting and good for us?

3- Sarah: " would you rather have the first African American president elected, or the first women president?"
Ryan- " African American, but I don't know why. Maybe because if we have a women president all the other countries will make fun of us"

4. Ryan: "So is James Bond in the CIA?"
Sarah: "no I dont think so
Ryan: "but he takes orders and kills people"
Sarah: "well then he must be, but not every hero is in the CIA"
Ryan: " Well its not like i thought spiderman was in the CIA"
Sarah: "Yeah thats true, but what about inspector gadget?"



I'm sure that Sarah is probably the only one laughing who is reading this, but I find all these lines quite hilarious. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

boredom+blogspot= many random thoughts

I am bored bored bored bored bored at work today. You are probably laughing and thinking whats new right?? Yes you are right, absolutely nothing is new. When I'm bored my mind starts to wonder. Its funny the things your mind thinks about when you don't filter it. I have had many random thoughts today. I have been thinking a lot about the sex and the city movie. I honestly don't really care about it all that much, but Sarah Jessica Parker does have the cutest shoes, and I need to know is she with Mr. Big? Is she not with Mr. Big? I did get something of value accomplished today. I planned out some Bricks lessons for the next few weeks. Not like we can really use them in McDonalds, but hey, I enjoyed it. Oh, and then there is Ms. Britney Spears seriously someone needs to watch that girl. She needs help. If you saw the VMA performance you all know what I'm talking about. Twister is ending in 4 weeks. I am going to miss some of those kids to death, especially Ms. Asia, but i am in desperate need of a break. This year has made me very tired. I think we should have been given the title referee this summer. Don't judge me, but i just want to sleep until noon on a Saturday!!!! My birthday is fast approaching. 24 seems old. I swear I can feel the wrinkles on my face becoming more defined. My hair is a mess today, and I like it that way. I wonder if I really hate my job or if I hate being bored? I think the later is probably more of the truth. I have thought a lot today about how Jesus was a carpenter. He probably got up and went to work every day like I have to. That makes me feel a little better, I guess.

the worse?

We all think we are the worse. I know in my own mind as I'm reading over the words of Paul where he declares he is the worst sinner I laugh. "okay maybe Paul was the worse before me." I dare to guarantee this has crossed the mind of thousands upon thousands of Christians. We are all so hard on ourselves. I see it all around me. Will there ever be a point where we let ourselves breath? Its a tough balance. I don't mean we allow ourselves to blatantly sin, in obvious rejection of the truth but is it really necessary we tear ourselves apart when we do. I have been there in some of the lowest points of my life. It does nothing but make it worse when we dwell on how disappointed we have made our savior. We are suppose to feel it. Its called conviction. But when we do, we need to turn and run not think about it, internalize it, and make it a part of us. When we do make it a part of us we begin to destroy the plans that Christ has for us. we hurt ourselves. we break ourselves. we don't allow ourselves to be the believers we are called to be. We hurt the one who created us. We don't give him enough credit. How many times does he have to say my grace is enough. He does not want us to run. He wants us to face up to the sin, confess, let him love us, and for us to move on. God wants us to be free. He never intended for us to imprison ourselves. He gave his life so we could be free. In the words of Rob Bell, "There is nothing we can ever do to make him love us any less. Nothing. Nothing."

the flame.

One of my favorite bands came out with a new cd this week. I had high anticipations, and let me just say it met them all. The band is Thousand Foot Krutch, and the CD is "The flame in all of us." There are very few albums where I can relate lyrically to everything the artist is saying. This is one of the few. I think everyone should buy it.So if you are reading this stop, go to best buy, and grab a copy. If you hate it, you can yell at me later.

trouble sleeping.

It is late, and I have a lot on my mind. I can't sleep. I wish I didn't feel things like I do. I have this gift (sometimes more of a curse) where my emotions are over powering. I swear i can almost feel when other people are hurting. I tend to take on their burdens, even though I may not always act like it. I carry them. Today was picnic in the park, and I sometimes just step back and watch all the people around me. I see the kids running around laughing, almost oblivious to the pain around them. They always make me smile. Then i see the dad of one of our twister kids down the street so strung out on drugs I can hardly even recognize him anymore. I politely wave and smile but inside I'm hurting for him. I want to scream at him for not taking care of his kids who I absolutely adore, but on the flip side I want to cry, and I wish so badly he could see the hope I have. How can people live without my hope? I don't know where I would be so i have no right to even consider judging them for one second. Then on top of these, I do have my own personal struggles. I have friends who have hurt me. people who have left. a job i absolutely hate .guilt for past things that for some unknown reason still have the ability to plague me. a suffocating fear of being alone, and failing at what I have been called so deeply to do. My emotions are messy, but I am thankful for them. I cant imagine not being able to feel the smile of a four year old, or even feel the tears of good friend. I do know one thing I need to get some sleep. I am tired. so tired.

so what I'm not married.

Random Friend: "so are you married?"
Me: "no"
Random Friend: "engaged?"
Me: "no"
Random Friend: "dating anyone?" (their voice begins to get a little shaky, as the awkwardness of the questions becomes more apparent)
Me: "nope"
Random Friend: "oh, don't worry. You'll find someone, he's out there"
Me: smile and nod. while thinking, If one more person asks me this question I'm going to scream. Do I look worried? Do I really look that desperate?

So what, I'm not married. Do I want to get married someday? well sure. Do I want to be single my whole life? hell no. My grandma is constantly reminding me that my time is running out. I am almost 24, apparently that is the cut off age of ever finding someone. My mom is telling me all the time how much she wants grandchildren. I have news for her, that is a LONG ways away. Most of my friends are either engaged, married, or dating seriously. So of course they see it as part of their duty to encourage me. Usually by telling me how they just know I'll get married. God is just waiting to bring me the perfect guy. Look its happened for them, It will happen for me.I'm probably coming across as bitter, which is not my intent, and not how i feel at all. I obviously love my grandma, my mom, and my friends very much. I think its sweet how they are so concerned and want me to be happy.

Honestly, It's not very easy being a single Jesus loving girl. First off, I have no one to change my oil, or tell me when something is wrong with my car. Second off, I have no one to go to weddings with me. I dread the invitations that read "Tanya and guest." Finally, you think its hard finding a nice guy? Well It's even harder finding a nice guy, who passionately loves God. Oh, and they have to be into ministry too. Hm, maybe my standards are too high?...... Nope. I don't think so.

You know what is great about this time though? I'm Single. I don't have to worry about a husband or kids, and all the responsibility that comes along with it. I don't have to ask before I spend money. I don't have to check another schedule before I make plans with my friends. I can sleep through a whole night without getting woken up by a kid crawling into bed with me. Oh, and the best part is I have so much more time to spend with my Jesus. I cherish my days. These are times when I can spend hours learning and growing. Resting in his presence. Listening to his voice. Doing whatever he tells me to do.

It is a great season, and I am truly grateful.

But, God if your listening..... I would rather not have to take care of my own car my whole life. :)

Here I go.

Well here I go. I guess there is no turning back now. I'm an official blogger. Why am I doing this you ask? Well maybe not, but I'm going to tell anyway. Maybe its because I'm bored at work? Or maybe it's because I have nothing better to do with my time? Maybe it's just the enjoyment I find in seeing my words materialize on the screen in front of me? All of the above are true. I enjoy this process of trying to put into words the thoughts that are constantly flowing through my mind. More importantly though, I want people to see me. To see the raw truth of what being a follower of Christ looks like. I know for a fact people have a misconception of what being a "christian" is. So i prefer the term Jesus follower, hence the title of my blog "memoirs from a Jesus follower." I promise you sometimes It's going to be messy, but i do my best and that, my friend, is all he really asks.